The 2015 Oklahoma Sooners Defensive Preview

The 2015 season is nigh upon us and the defense will very likely be what determines if the Sooners can make a run to the playoff, or idle by as also-rans yet again.

When examining the Sooners roster on defense, it's hard not to notice that they are pretty young as a whole. There are only 4 seniors in the two deep, 2 of them start, while no freshman are starting, that unit doesn't scream seasoned vet. There are absolutely some talented guys there, including guys like Dominique Alexander who, though not a senior, has more experience as a junior than most older guys. It's not all doom and gloom, but there needs to be a significant improvement over last season when the Sooner D singlehandedly bought the local Tums salesman's pool.

The defensive backfield was abysmal. These weren't lapses either, though I guess the entire months of September, October, and November are a lapse relative to the age of the Sun. Zack Sanchez looked like he might be the real deal, and as it stands now, is easily our best guy back there. Steven Parker looked very promising as a true frosh last season, he stands to start at NB. Jordan Thomas was truly awful, and completely unprepared to play last season. Let's hope a year of reflection on last season has motivated him to be more prepared to run, tackle, etc this year. I think Hatari "2000" Byrd and Ahmad Thomas showed promise as well. If we squint just right, this could be the most improved group on the team. They damn sure need to be.

The LB spot is pretty solid, I think. Jordan Evans beat out Frank Shannon for one of the starting spots. Both are salty, and I suspect Big Frank will get plenty of reps. It won't shock me a bit to see him starting at some point, but don't sleep on Jordan Evans either. Dominique Alexander is also extremely solid. A tackles machine, he seems to be in the right place on most downs. The entire unit desperately needs to improve in the passing game, however.

Defensive Line has some question marks as well. The DE spots are locked down hard by Eric Motherfuckin Striker and Charles "Ass" Tapper. Both can get to the QB and fly around the field, but the depth behind them is firmly in the "question mark" category. Speaking of, the middle of the line could be trouble. Dimon, Romar, and Wade comprise the most known commodities. Though the Big 12 is pretty pass-happy these days, getting a push from these guys will be crucial in minimizing our DB's exposure. This is starting to feel like a lot of "ifs."

Last season, the defense finished 114 in the nation vs the pass. Some changes have been made, moving full-time to the 4-2-5, or at least as a base package could help. I also read that last season they had two different coaches for the secondary, one for the safeties and one for the corners!? One player said that this season communication has been so much better now that they're all in the same meetings together. Why not have the QB and receivers meet separately and then just figure it out on gameday? (I can't confidently say that didn't happen last year as well.) I'm not even a reasonable facsimile of a pee-wee football coach, but this seems like a pretty damn obvious way to set things up.

There is a lot that has to go right for this defense to push the Sooners to the playoff. Pretty much every unit has to improve...a lot. They aren't going to be the '85 Bears, but maybe they can do enough to get wins. I hope Mitch is right about that 45-55 point per game average. Not only would it be fun, it might be the only way to win.


Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.

The 2014 Sooners

Welcome back Steamroller faithful, we are back again for another season filled with flawlessly accurate predictions, clinical exploits of mastery over the written word, and rapist wit. Much ballyhoo is being directed at the 2014 incarnation of Bobby Stoops' squad. I for one am excited, and it seems that 2 years after hitting the reset button, Mikey has started to do Mike Stoops things that everyone clamored for prior to his re-hiring. There is real talent at nearly every position, and while the likes of Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin will certainly be missed, the front 7 give me the same feeling I had when I opened my first Playboy as a youth and feasted my eyes on hip-to-hip beav. Trevor Knight, who are ye really? I hope he comes back as the guy everyone remembers and not the guy everyone seems to have forgotten.

Mitch did a masterful job of covering the awards, and as the spoilers are out I see little reason to rehash them, but suffice it to say that Eric Motherfuckin Striker should have you (palm up/arm sweep at Sooner Nation) excited. I am instead taking the liberty of creating a few new awards for this season.

The TC Bread Award

Several years ago, I was looking through a player list for the Sooners roster and came across a player named TC Bread. Without question, this is the funniest name in the history of Sooner football. I never heard of this player again. To my knowledge, he never saw the field. Hell, he could have been a made up name by someone at the paper (side note: I once did this for a Sooners game. As a bright-eyed freshman I was asked to type up the roster list for the Nebraska game to be distributed in the press box during the game. Naturally, I put my own name, accurate height and weight, on the roster along with some other made up dudes, fun). Anyway, this year it's Jordan Smallwood.

Player Least Likely to Get Girls Based Solely On His Name

Poor Jordan Smallwood.

Best Silhouette

Almost went for a chiseled athlete but decided instead to go for OC Josh Heupel instead. His doughy pelican neck creeps ever so slightly over his half-buttoned coaches polo while his gut struggles to gain freedom from below. This leads me to believe that a silhouette of his would look like a humorous humpty-dumpty. I would buy this from Fathead.

Scariest in a Shower Situation

This one goes to the entire defensive line roster. They line up in two lines, shoulder to shoulder, across from one another, gauntlet style. Freshman have to run between the two lines getting into and out of the shower. I think this would feel a lot like running through one of those cages for RB's with the pylons on springs that slap your upper body and teach holding onto the football. I'm not on drugs.

Mat McCoy Memorial Gas Rag?

This one is actually legit, and unlike Old Steady I sincerely hope this position isn't filled. It, sadly, had been filled rather competently by Gabe Lynn the last couple of seasons. I hope no one steps into this role this year. Any DB with a penchant for getting burned with ease and alacrity teeters on the cusp of being dubbed Gas Rag. This is less than ideal.

Louisiana Tech

I suppose we should discuss this adversary. The line I most recently saw was OU giving 35. While I whole heartedly agree that the Sooners will win this game, I would put my money on LaTech with that kind of line. I'm just not confident enough in Trevor Knight et al, and even more Josh Heupel, that I think we can put up 40 points on these guys (though a shutout isn't out of the question). I think our defense is going to great, and while OU has question marks it has them in the right places. I'm firmly in the camp that every team looks better with good line play. A good offensive and defensive line will make everyone else on that respective side of the ball look better. Conversely, great skill players look bad if the line is getting fisted all day. Offensively, we have little experience returning at WR, RB and frankly QB (in spite of the Sugar Bowl performance), but up front we return a ton of veterans. Defensively, the Sooners might actually have 2 full defensive lines worthy of starting, there is that much depth. Yes, losing Frank Shannon hurts. A lot. But as Dominique Alexander aptly demonstrated (what a beast!), some times a star going down (RIP Corey Nelson) paves the way for an even better player to step up. Hopefully Jordan Evans does something similar.

Offense

I'd like to go Trevor Knight, I really would. I hope as much as anyone that he is the world-beater we saw in the Alabama game. But, until I see it consistently, I'm not ready to bestow anything as prestigious as this blogs pre-game OPG yet. I'm going against the grain a bit. I think Keith Ford comes in and makes little brown underwear streaks of this defense at LaTech. I like him to break out in a big way, at least one touch and 100+ on the ground.

Defense

I really feel inspired by Dominique Alexander (my current front-runner for Old Steady). He makes a ton of tackles and by his own assessment, he's no longer "thinking out there", just reacting and making plays. That's scary. But, in spite of all of this fluffing I'm doing, I'm going with Eric Motherfuckin' Striker. I feel like Mikey is going to do some good things with him this year, and we will see him in the backfield sodomizing teams in obscene ways. I think he separates a QB from the football once today, and makes big plays all evening.

Score

Ideally Trevor Knight and the boys will be sipping gatorade and wearing awkward unbroken-in hats by midway through the 3rd quarter. However as I said, I think the Sooners control this one, though maybe not to the tune of a 35 point win, but close. I think the offense shakes off rust early, and gets in a groove as things go on. The defense? Well, I think it will make a long day for Skip Holtz and co. Sooners win this one in front of a PPV TV audience of dozens, 35-3.


 Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.


It's good to be back.

OU - Iowa State

I still can't believe that, of all things, the Sooner D showed up against Baylor only to get completely let down by the offense. This is a train run off the rails. Two years ago was the start of wholesale changes to the defense. This offseason it's the start of wholesale changes to the offense. Book it.

Josh Heupel is not fighting for his job at OU. He's auditioning for a QB coaching gig at Appalachian State at best. The Oklahoman trotted out Jenni Carlson for a piece asking if it's time for a change in play caller only to have Berry Trammel write an article about how Bobby prefers "Stability" versus "Experimentation".

Let's talk about that. Stability implies consistency, vision, continuity. In this sense, experimentation implies sweeping changes including but not limited to a change in playcaller and personnel. But that's all a red herring. It's really stubborness and predicability at OU these days.

Here's stability at OU against Baylor:

4 conventional run plays in the first 3 drives against Baylor (OU's strength)
Reverses left and right, QB runs around the end, nothing testing the middle
Every "hurry up" play is a HB dive off right tackle
Sub Trevor Knight for The Belldozer to run The Belldozer. Then bring The Belldozer back in to run The Belldozer.

Instead of wholesale changes (dba Experimentation) how about this:

Huddle up. You don't run a hurry up in any sense of the word so just huddle.
If you hurry up, run off tackle left or, gasp, do play action
Don't confine great players and future stars to the bench for 1 fuckup (Keith Ford)
If everyone knows you need to keep the other team off the field then don't pass on every fucking down with a 50% passer.
Knock off the delay of games. Fucking Christ.

Am I picking on the offense and Josh Heupel? Fuck yes. This offense is historically bad. That tubby fuck is so disappointing because he knows better. This year's middle school female Punt Pass and Kick winner will have a stronger arm than he had. But he won because the defense didn't know what was going to happen next. Instead of stepping on someone's throat  and keeping teams on their toes he thinks a three point lead is a gold bar. He calls games like a pussy. Fuck him he knows better.

OFFENSE

Christ almighty I don't give a shit. By God it should be Roy Damn Finch, Lacoltan Bester, Sterling Sheperd or Keith Ford. Those are the best players left on offense. Roy will get six touches, Bester will get two, Keith Ford will get none. I guess that leaves Sheperd. He's good for about five catches and 80 yards.

DEFENSE

Even though they gave up 40 points they played their balls off against Baylor. If the offense had been semi-competent they would have given up 30 at most and against that offense that's a hell of a day. As my old high school classmate cum ESPN Producer Brad Buchannen pointed out it's hard to believe our offense scored 60 points in 6 straight games in 2008.

But back to the defense. I really like this defense. I like Charles Ass Tapper and I would have his babies if he could line up onsides. I like everything about the linebackers. I love Aaron Motherfuckin Colvin. I like how Zach Sanchez is getting baptized by fire and mostly doing well. I like Quentin Hayes and Julian Wilson and, hell, even Gabe Lynn. These guys all deserve help.

I like Frank Shannon the most this week. I haven't scouted Iowa State (two in the pink one in the stink shocker) but I think they do just enough things lousy that Franky Baby has about 15 stops.

THE OUTCOME

Well, this one won't be close. Here's the eye opener. We have an 11am start, a team that's out of not only the National Title picture but also the Big 12, an opponent that's shitty and the potential for rain. The OU Athletic Department is going to have to adjust the budget the crowd will be so bad for this one. The consecutive sellout streak will be laughably fibbed. My we are a fickle bunch.

OU 42, Iowa State 13

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner

OU vs. Baylor Or... Texas Tech Part the Deuce.. Maybe

Last game: The Sooners find themselves matched up against a team trying to make a statement and prove their lofty ranking was deserved. It was strength versus strength. Spread offense versus a defense designed to stop such a thing. The Nation found out the Red Raiders were overhyped.

This week: The Sooners find themselves matched up against a team trying to make a statement and prove their lofty ranking is deserved. It's strength versus strength. Spread offense versus a defense designed to stop such a thing. What will The Nation learn tonight?

The Baylor Bears, much like the Red Raiders, have played nobody leading up to this matchup. Buffalo has the best record of anyone the Bears have faced. The best Big 12 team they faced, K-State, is also the team that held them to a season low of 35 points. At the time of the Texas Tech matchup, the Red Raiders stiffest test had been TCU who held them to their lowest points of the season.

All of this to say that rankings and hype don't mean shit. This year's Oklahoma football team, while still a bit of a mystery and disappointment (oh, how spoiled are we?), have been tested. They've played in hostile territory and they've played against some ranked teams. You know at this point that there is a decent shot the Sooners are going to score 30. Maybe not much more than that but they can get there. You know they are going to hold someone under their scoring average (except texas damnit).

Baylor's numbers are off the charts. Their two leading receivers each have 30+ catches and average over 20 yards per. Their leading rushers each average over 8 yards per. It's PlayStation set on Rookie. But look at who they've played. It's real life set on Rookie. Wofford, Buffalo, Kansas, Iowa State.

Waco is probably the least intimidating place in the Big 12 to play. Besides the Cotton Bowl it's historically been the second best home away from home.

This need not be as scary as it is.

OFFENSE

No secret here it's all about controlling the clock, keeping Baylor off the field and making Baylor prove they can stop the run. Blake Bell just needs to be competent and Brennan Clay and Co. need to hang on to the football. Bell needs to take the easy passes when they are there but the offense needs to dictate the terms by shoving a potent ground game up Baylor's unproven ass.

For the love of all things holy I would like to put a good jinx on someone this week. I want, again for the love of all things holy, for Roy Damn Finch to step in and be Mr. Everything in Trey Millard's absence.

Speaking of Trey Millard can we pour a little out for our homey? WTF man? Godspeed in your rehab and thanks.

DEFENSE

Hoo boy. Everyone needs to double up on jock straps tonight. This is going to be a tester no doubt. It's nice having Frank Shannon back. That helps.

I can't find anywhere that says he isn't playing so I'm picking Eric Striker. He's the best blitzer by far and getting to the quarterback is the key to this Sooner squad getting off the field. This is my "Chess vs. Checkers" matchup to watch tonight and I like Ted Striker's chances.

THE SCORE

I am really counting on another paper tiger here. I am assuming that Baylor's defense is not only untested but also not up to the challenge. I am counting on the Sooners D being ready for the biggest test of their season. And I am counting on the Baylor offense to hershey squirt their britches a little bit when faced with a defense that is not made up of electric football figurines. Finally, I am counting on the Brothers Stoops and Josh Heupel to gameplan half as effectively as Art Briles.

A lot has to fall in place here. But it will and the Sooners make a statement of their own this week.

OU 42, Baylor 35

Boomer to the motherfuckin Sooner

Kansas

Faithful reader(s), I put fingers to keyboard this morn with a bleak outlook on the Sooners. The loss last week, and the manner in which it happened (see: shit, bed), really put me in a bad place. College football is wonderful, I love so many things about it. One of those things is the quest for perfection and the near certainty that anything less dooms those reaching for the crystal football to bring hand to brow and turn their eyes to next year. I've exhausted my vocabulary of words relating to my thoughts on the state of Sooner football. I wish that we were contenders again. The salad days, as it were, appear distantly in the rearview mirror. Our place in the ranks of title contender has faded to nothing more than also-rans. Yet, I still watch and still hope, and still have a damn good time watching the crimson and cream (and gold. sometimes. one time. maybe never again. hopefully). 

That uplifting intro was born out of honest sentiment, but also partly out of a lack of anything interesting or entertaining that I could come up with regarding jayhawk football. The only satisfying thing I get out of beating them, and we will beat them (foreshadowing), is knowing that the literally dozens on hand in Lawrence are the same "die-hard" super fans that manage to pack out their gym night-in night-out for the basketball team. After all, nothing solidifies true fandom better than testing that fandom by cheering a team that wins invariably. 

I'm bitter. 

Offense

My pick last week was predictably poo. One positive from that game, and there weren't many, was that for the first time in his career, Trey Millard approached something resembling being a feature of the offense. I liked that a lot. In my mind he has the best chance of being something solid at "the next level". With all of that in mind. I'm going with Millard today. Yeah, I'm probably giving him the kiss of death, but I don't give a fuck. He rumbles in for another score this week. 

Defense

I'm not sure what the hell happened last Saturday but its possible we missed Corey Nelson more than we could have ever imagined. It's also possible that, with the exception of Aaron Motherfuckin Colvin, we don't have much in the secondary. While Gabe Lynn seems better suited at safety (or at least better hidden as a shit player), Zac(k?)Sanchez is stepping on necks to get the gas-rag moniker. I'm going with someone in the middle of the D, Frank Shannon. I think Frank has a very solid day, racking up a shitload of tackles again and being involved with a turnover somehow. 

Score

I like the Sooners a lot today. KU is turds. I'm pretty sure we pummel their ass from pistol to pistol. Sooners 37-10. Now, lets forget last week and go out win this one big. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner

texass

I really hate texas. I hate their uniforms. I hate their players. I hate the attitude of their fanbase. I hate their coach. Please allow me to spin a yarn about a deeply personal experience related to the texas football program, which may enlighten you to a small part of the stem of this hatred.

Growing up in Missouri my father had an office in my hometown. He worked in the same office, in the same building for many years. As one might expect, he came to know several other tenants who leased space in this same building. Spending a fair amount of my childhood here, along with my brothers, we too came to know many of these same people. One of these people was an older lady named Martha. She was a big part of our lives growing up and became a part of our family, joining us for holidays and other occasions throughout our lives. Martha's office was similar to my fathers, only in one corner was a large, vinyl-covered, red recliner chair. It was clearly something much older than I was, but it was omnipresent in Martha's office and everyone who paid her a visit (there were many every day) invariably sat in this chair. 

Shortly after Martha passed away, my family had the task of cleaning out her office and its contents. My cousins, from Ft. Worth, were in town to visit and helped us with this task. My cousin decided that the red chair was perfect for her son's room. Though my brothers and I all felt the chair was some small part of our childhood, none of us were particularly attached to it and as such agreed to them taking the chair and getting use out of it. As my cousin (the son, who got the chair for his room) grew up, he decided to attend the university of texas (he's much smarter than this turn of events would have you believe). The chair went with him and became a fixture in an entirely new set of lives. It was as known as a piece of furniture can be in a college boy's room. 

As I was talking with my cousin a few weeks ago, I randomly inquired about the red chair. Sadly, it had been damaged beyond repair at a party, set beside the curb, and hauled away. No there is not some wild story or crazy event that preceded its demise. Rather, it was tragically destroyed by none other than David Fucking Ash, who sat his stupid fucking ass on the arm of it, rather than in the seat, and broke it off. It's now in a greater Austin landfill, thanks to that stupid fuck who is no better at simply sitting down than he is at quarterbacking. I hate texas. 

True Story.

I digress from that probably irrelevant diatribe, and point my thoughts to Mack Brown, who has done nearly as much for Bob Stoops as he's done for himself. Apart from a few years where OU was pretty lousy and texas was pretty good, we've handled them well. Say what you want about Stoops shitting himself on the biggest stages, he almost always has the Sooners ready for texas. I'm convinced the common denominator here is Brown. Much has been made of the Sooners dominating recent Red River clashes, all week long. The Sooners are (surprisingly, maybe?) good in the first part of the year. texas has been pleasingly (surprisingly, maybe?) bad. So this bodes well for the Sooners, right? Right?

Actually I'm not sure. Traditionally in sports, repeatedly telling first class athletes they won't and, moreover, can't do something tends to light a significant fire under them. Supremely motivates them. Pisses them off, so-to-speak. Pile on the rivalry aspect, which generally provides a notable motivational factor on its own. Then add in this whole, Mack-Brown-is-fired-if-they-lose corollary, and we've got a recipe for disaster in Sooner nation. All of this plus the fact that Sooner teams in recent years have excelled at "believing the hype" and adopting the attitude that simply putting on the uniform ensures victory. If this whole win-one-for-Mack thing permeates the longhorn locker room, we may be in trouble. 

Offense

Whew, where to start here? I love the ground game. I'm just as hard as can be over this ground game of ours. And if there's one thing I've proved over the first five games it's that I can pick who is going to have the worst day on the ground. I hope it's Trey Millard (that dominates, not has the worst day. I suck at this) I really do. Hell, I'll take any of the backs going off. That said, I'm not about to inadvertently put a hex on any of them, no way, no sir. I'm going to take a little trip to the passing game. I'm going to dial up one of my favorite young players and one of the 'Dozer's favorite targets. I'm going with Sterling Shepard. He's been a total stud this year and has completely lapped Trey Metoyer in the "young receiver to get excited about" race. I think Bell looks for him often, and he responds with multiple catches and at least one long TD. 

Defense

It's really tough that we lost Corey Nelson. He might've simultaneously been our most underrated and best defender. I do love Frank Shannon, and I hear Alexander is a more than capable replacement. So the LB's will hopefully be ok. That said I do imagine there will be a drop-off. In order to minimize this, we will need strong play up front, both in the pass and run games. I like one of the big boys to step and "get after it". I'm going with Charles "Ass" Tapper. He's just developing into a total badass. I think he plants that "pumpkin-head" (copyright: Keith Mitchell, 2012), Case McCoy on his dick more than once. That's right, multiple sacks, and maybe more. It's going to be a full on "boner-getter day" for the Ass Tapper fan contingency. 

Score

This looks much tougher to me than most are saying. I think texas has everything to prove and nothing to lose in this one. I think they punch us in the mouth early, maybe even have us reeling a bit. But I think we punch back and do enough to win. Sooners rally in this one to make it 4 straight, 33-27. 

Lets roll these rotten motherfuckers. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner. 

Notre Dame

Today the Sooners walk into, arguably the most hallowed ground in college football, to battle against the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. The program is as storied as the come, and with the hiring of Brian Kelly, has made a full return to national relevance culminating with a trip to (and subsequent ass-beat in) the National Championship game last season. The list of traditions is long and oft discussed. Touchdown Jesus, slapping the Play Like a Champion sign (which might be one of the greatest heist jobs in history as it's a blatant rip-off from OU, I digress), painting the helmets for every game with paint allegedly containing real gold...and the list goes on. However, what many of the main stream media and general population don't know is that there are a few traditions that are just as vital to the aura and mystique of Notre Dame football that continually fly under the radar. Let's end the suspense:

The North Bend
While South Bend, IN is the home to Notre Dame, the North Bend is long-held, pre-game tradition that no player puts on his cup until he has throbbing erection. This, along with painting the helmets, the pre-game handy is a perk of being the Football Pep Club. Multiple, conflicting theories exist as the origin and significance of this tradition.

Lou Holtz Pregame Speeches

No, the legendary Lou doesn't come to each game and fire up the Notre Dame troops. Upon hiring each new ND coach, one of the first orders of business is to have an ill-fitting retainer made. Before each game, the coach pounds two Jaeger bombs, puts in the retainer and delivers a garbled, saliva-blasting speech to inspire his team.

Shower Rides
While it's true that no player has been carried off of the field since Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger famously was, it's said a new tradition was born the following season. The star player of the game rides the player of his choice in a soaped-up shower celebration, while the rest of the team chants his name as a cap-tip to Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!

The Dusting of the Pubes
The famous gold in the freshly painted helmets is widely discussed. However, few know that the priests at Notre Dame shave the first pubes of the altar boys until the age of 16 in order to "keep them young and pure." These pubes are sprinkled all over the field and is said to provide the team with fresh legs throughout the game.

That is but four of the "secret" Notre Dame traditions that make the school the greatest gift to college football that has ever existed. Let's hope the Sooners don't crumble and wilt in the face of such glory.

Offense

Sooner Nation is still basking the glow of Blake Bell's dominant performance two weeks ago. The 'Dozer made everyone in Norman hit the streets to find the "heady nugs" that Stoops Heupel et al must have been smoking when Trevor Adophilous Knight was named the starter in his stead. While his passes were on time and accurate, sadly the barometer that is the Tulsa defense isn't the most telling. I, for one, am excited/anxious/nervous to see what he looks like against a very solid Irish D. Their front seven is pretty hard at every position, and their D-line in particular will provide a very tough challenge for our running game as well as pass protection. However, their secondary is rumored to be the bacon-caramel-brownie to their Kirstie Alley (read: weak point). With that in mind, I'm going with a receiver today. I think Jalen Saunders gets back on track after not being a focal point in the passing game last week. I think he gets in the end zone at least once today and makes some big catches for us.

Defense

This will be a big test for our boys on what has been a surprisingly solid defense thus far. Supposedly OU will be mixing in some of their 4-3 that was the mainstay of the Stoops brother's defenses until being supplanted for a 3-3-5 that was installed this past off-season. I've loved the play of our linebackers this year; Frank Shannon has been awesome. Jordan Phillips and Charles "Ass" Tapper have been very tough on the line as well. Today I'm going with Corey Nelson on defense. Long on potential and short on production in years past, he's finally (and almost quietly) playing like the star he was rumored to be for the last few seasons. I like him to be "flying to the football" today and making a bunch of big tackles.

Score

This is a huge test for our boys today. The Sooners have a longstanding tradition of their own, shitting the bed against the Notre Dame. While the Irish and their faithful will undoubtedly adhere to their traditions today and always, the Sooners will fly in the face of history with a win in South Bend. It will certainly be tough, but revenge is on our minds after last season. The defense plays well, and the 'Dozer does enough to win. The Sooners leave the scoreboard at 21-17.


Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner

Tulsa

This Saturday pits our beloved Sooners against the Tulsa, Golden Hurricane. Much has been made of how ridiculous it is that a school located so far from the threat of a hurricane should have such a name. Cue some asshole explaining how it's not really for a hurricane but for blah blah blah... Shut up. I've decided that a golden hurricane is something of a euphemism along the lines of a Cleveland Steamer or a Blumpkin. Basically 15-20 fat Japanese men binge on beer until each is nearing a bladder rupture. They then disrobe and form a circle. Then a young girl kneels in the middle of them. At this point they simultaneously unleash a furious deluge of urine, soaking her in a Golden Hurricane. I wish the on-field mascot reflected this better. 

Going into this campaign I knew there would be some growing pains. I assumed, given the plethora of returning skill position players, that the majority of said pains would be on defense. Oh how I was wrong. While the D has looked excellent (deceptively good I think, but I digress), it's the O that has been basically terrible. Trevor Knight was bad enough last week that the coaching staff replaced him in the 4th (knee injury or not I think) with Blake Bell. Moreover, they opened up the avenue that they might have been wrong about Knight, something that Bobby has not been wont to do historically. Bell did little to quell any fears pertaining to the passing game but did manage to be the tortoise to Knights hare, in that his slow and steady was effective at moving the chains late. 

I'm hopeful that Bell can find some kind of groove in the passing game. It's going to be rough (long term) if he can't and Tulsa feels like a good time to "get right". Defensively, I hope we can keep it up. Schematically I'm not sure we've been dramatically better than recent years, but I will say that the tackling has been light years ahead of last season. That alone is worth a nod to Mike Stoops. The spread has us giving 24, that seems generous given our struggles last week. Nonetheless, we play to win, if not cover, and I think we'll do that. 

Offense

Last week I picked the right position, but couldn't have been more wrong about the player. Brennan Old Steady Clay had a railroad spike between my legs all night. What a game. I still wish we'd spread the touches around the backfield more, ie Millard, but it's hard to argue with the two-headed monster of Williams and Clay. I would really like to go with Jaz "Hands" Reynolds or LaColtan Bester, but I just don't think Bell will drop back and throw enough to make that realistic. Perhaps this is a hindsight pick or betting on last race's horse, but I'm going Brennan Clay this week. He was just a total force all night, and wasn't stoppable even when I knew what was coming. I think that earns him copious touches against Tulsa and he responds with 100+ and 2 trips across the goal line. 

Defense

I really feel like Frank Shannon is becoming a huge difference maker on D. He's almost quietly been (arguably) our best defender. Credit where due as well: Gabe "gas rag" Lynn hasn't been completely abysmal either. That said I've got a new guy out there that is rapidly becoming one of my favorites this year, Charles Tapper (aside: can we just make his nickname "ass" now? It's too awesome to not have Charles "Ass" Tapper. Nope, it's done, Ass Tapper). I'm going with big Charles this week. I think he picks up a sack and is a force on the defensive front both against the pass and run. 

Score

As I said, 24 seems like a reach with our O. I think this one might be painful to watch though I don't think it will be in doubt too terribly much. I like OU 28-10. Bell gets the ground game rolling and the ghosts of Bud Wilkinson smash their way to a win. 

Time to roll heads. Early start, early finish. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner 

WVU

As the first light of dawn reached into my bedroom, I awoke. My buckskin pants already on, I turned my legs toward the floor and my feet delved into my fur lined, high-top moccasins. As I stood I simultaneously stretched, and reached for the tassled, tanned leather jacket hanging on a deer antler next to my bed. I pulled its soft, animal embrace over my skeletal frame. Sleep still in my eyes, and morning still on my breath, I placed my time-worn coonskin cap on and threw my musket over my shoulder. My arm pushed open the weathered, wooden door to my bunk and my gaze met the morning sun with a squint. As I took my first breath of the crisp morning air, I felt the familiar deluge of carnal excitement as I went into the next bunkhouse to fornicate with both of my sisters. And it was golden.

--from, "The Mountaineer: My Year of Torrid Incest as an Adult Male Cheerleader", HarperCollins; 2003

There's a less than 3% chance I made that up, which is roughly on par with the chance I give WVU of winning today in Norman. Everyone knows the details of last season's track meet in Morgantown. The Sooners emerged victorious but not before allowing Smith, Austin et al to literally run at will all over our embarrassing, wait-it's-not-two-hand-touch?-defense. It's the worst performance defensively of the Bob Stoops era. It was the least satisfying win I can remember, but a win nonetheless.

All of the key pieces of that onslaught, and of Dana Holgerson's (semi) relevant Mountaineer team of last season, are gone. New QB, new skill position guys and it all showed up (or didn't, depending on..) last week. WVU had to rally, RALLY, in the second half against The Tribe of William and Mary. Granted, I'm sure they were overlooking them a bit, but still. They certainly won't be looking past OU on the road today. However, I'm sure we're eager to shut them down and prove that last year was the exception, not the rule. My suspicion is Mike Stoops has not failed to remind the defense of how fucking terrible they looked last season against these guys. My hope is he's got a game-plan together to show them "what's what".

Last week marked the debut of Trevor Adophilous Knight (probably/certainly not his real middle name, but it sounds damn fine and "right" to me). He showed Sooner Nation his ability to scramble. He also showed he can be woefully inaccurate in the passing game. While I didn't get to watch the game ($49.95 to stream ULM on SoonerSports?? Not a fucking chance), reports indicate he settled down as the game went on. I hope that he's more poised today and starts making the good throws that are there. Of course, it's nice to have our running game as a fallback. I was pleased to see from the box score that Roy Finch had a nice day, and Mitch seems pretty high on Keith Ford. That said I was disappointed that Heupel found enough touches leftover to give Trey Millard one (ONE!?) carry. I hope that changes, though I have strong doubts.

Offense

I liked going with Knight in his debut, and I think a case can be made that he was OPG. Early returns look as though Jalen Saunders may be a favorite target as he had a nice game last week (nice call, Mitchy). I was pleased to see Trey Metoyer find the endzone last Saturday as well. This week, I'm feeling as though Knight picks up the passing game even more, and puts up better numbers. Though I'd love to go with Knight or a receiver, I feel like it's going to be someone on the ground today. The running game is such a tough pick with so many options (underutilized or not) to give the ball to. I'm going to go with Roy Finch. I'm excited that he's becoming a part of the offense (again) because, let's face it, when he is out there he almost always does something awesome. I think 100+ yards is unrealistic with all of our options, but I feel as though an all around balanced day of running and receiving with one score is coming.

Defense

I really wish I could have seen last week's game. It's been so long since we've shut down anyone, regardless of what kind of team it is, to that degree. Only two trips past the 50! I must say it feels good. We're clearly not going to keep putting up those kinds of games in the Big 12, but it's a nice start. Though Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin played well last week, it felt even better to tip a cap toward Frank Shannon and Charles Tapper who both ended up having really nice games. With that in mind, I'm going to pick Frank Shannon as my DPG (Defensive Player of the Game, not Disrespectful Pounding of the Gash). I think he makes a lot of big tackles today, and leads us to another solid defensive performance.

Score

I like what the D showed last week, and I like that WVU struggled to score against William AND Mary (I mean, both of them??) last week. I also think the offense gets rolling even more this week with Knight settling in earlier. Sooners win this one 41-17. Solid performance out of the gate, and we keep the pressure on throughout.

This is my first game of the season to watch, and I couldn't be more excited about the prospect of it. It's payback for last year and we'll do it in a big way. Let's roll heads.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner

OU vs. West Virginia

Judging future performance on the recent past is a tricky business. It's borderline dumb in sports. Any given Sunday and all that jazz. But last week, West Virginia had to throw the kitchen sink at William and Mary to eek out a win at home. I pegged William and Mary for a women's field hockey powerhouse. Nevertheless, a game that was, on paper, the best of the 2013 Sooner home slate now looks a little less appealing.

That's dangerous thinking that the Sooners would be advised not to buy into.

I watched a little bit of the WVU game and the Mountaineers trotted out some half wit at quarterback name Greg Millard. I am delighted to call him Greg Marmalard. I hope he plays early and often. He seemed ineffective.

OFFENSE

Anyone who wasn't pleased with last week's performance is a jerk. Trevor Knight was shaky early in his first meaningful action since high school. That's understandable. Some of his passes should have been caught. He managed the game, his lone turnover was awarded via replay and was a long pass on 3rd down anyway (effectively a punt). He got rid of the ball quickly, didn't take a sack and didn't fool the o-line with snap counts and such.

The running game was damn good too. It might not happen this year but Keith Ford is going to be a star. On one play it took three defenders to bring him down and they all got up slowly. The dude runs hard.

I would expect more of the same this week. I expect the passing to be marginally improved by virtue of the distribution of the ball being a bit better.

For my OPOG I'll go with Roy Damn Finch. He saw more action than I expected and I think he'll break some longer ones this week. The good news is there are options here week in and week out.

Before we move on to defense I'd like to highlight that both Navin and I made awesome picks last week. Both Knight and Jalen Saunders were impressive.

DEFENSE

Sooner fans should be pleased with what they saw on this side of the ball last week as well. Shutouts are hard to get. There is clearly an athletic upgrade across the board from this year to last. They seemed to play with a sense of urgency. I was really impressed by Jordan Phillips and Charles (Chaz) Tapper on the line. Frank Shannon and Corey Nelson both played well. Eric Striker is a linebacker in a Safety's body. Zack Sanchez was solid at DB. Quentin Hayes and (gulp!) Gabe Lynn were both flying around.

I'm cautiously optimistic that the attitude and snarl missing from year's past has finally made its return.

For my DPOG I'm going with Cory Nelson. I'm hopeful that the Sooners might have an answer to all the underneath stuff these widespread offenses are using. The LB's really seemed like they were covering some ground last week. Maybe some of these plays can get funneled to these guys and that they have the athleticism to make the plays.

Seems crazy picking an LB but what the heck.

SCORE

It's too hard to believe that WVU can be as bad as they appeared last week. I chalk it up to new personnel and looking ahead a bit. Also, Dana Holgerson seems like a putz so he probably just didn't have the boys ready to play. So, I think they look a little better this week and score some points.

I do not, on the other hand, believe that the WVU defense can hold a wet fart. This will not be the shootout of last year but there will be lots of scoring.

OU 42 WVU 24

Boomer to the motherfuckin Sooner

ULM Quick Hits

Quick hits on OU's 34-0 victory over ULM

Trevor Knight

• Trevor Knight made plays on 3rd and long
• He gets rid of the ball fast
• Finally he settled down and made some nice throws
• Lots of room to improve

On the Offense

• Keith Ford will be a stud. He lays the lumber
• Roy Finch got a ton of touches
• Run game was awesome
• Very few penalties was great

Defense

• Defense was fantastic
• Goose eggs against anyone is a big deal
• Frank Shannon was a beast
• Charles Tapper looked great
• Jordan Phillips 
• Zack Sanchez
• Julian Wilson
• The D looked athletic and they had a chip on their shoulder. Definitely encouraging.

34-0 is better than I'd hoped for. We're clearly going to be national champions. JK. Good start though.

PS I'm "Affected"

ULM

For the first time since being totally destroyed on the biggest stage (again) last January, the Sooners take the field with a clean slate this evening. As I mentioned in my post on Wednesday, I have an odd mix of resignation and optimism on the season. But as I wiped my eyes this morning and rolled out of bed, optimism sprung up. While I'm not sure what to expect during the course of the season, today I'm expecting an ass beat be put on the poor saps from ULM.

Yes, the pundits say that ULM is not to be taken lightly. They started their season by beating a respectable Arkansas team on the road and played (a shitty) Auburn close last year. They also had tough losses to such powerhouses as Arkansas State and Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. With that in mind I'll chalk the Arkansas upset to being overlooked and the others to not being a great team. Listen, they are who we think they are and if you want to crown their asses then go ahead and crown them. Denny Green aside, they're a decent mid-major capable of beating us. However, I don't think it's likely.

The biggest story of our day, and what has me brimming with curiosity and excitement is the debut of Trevor Knight, aka not lonnie jones. I'm pumped to see what this supposed wunderkind can do. I'm also pumped that for the first time in 3+ seasons I'm not going into a game absolutely certain that I'm going to hate at least 10 things our QB does.

Defensively, well, who the hell knows what can happen? In my exhaustive (read: less than 7 minutes of...) research, it seems that ULM did put up quite a few points most weeks in 2012. So it appears that they know (knew?) how to score. This fact gives me more pause than anything else, given that last season we welcomed opponents into the endzone like so many penises into a chubby drunk sorority girl longing for acceptance. I didn't do any defensive newcomer selections, mostly because I didn't think of it (hat tip: Mitch), but the guys I'm excited to see, and think may have big years, are Frank Shannon and Charles Tapper (in addition to, of course, Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin). Let's hope we set the tone early this year by shutting someone down.

Offense

I feel like there are a lot of options here given the amount of talent we have returning to the skill positions. However, given Heupel's play-calling resume, it's a goddamned crapshoot figuring out who will get the ball (read: not Millard, Trey and Finch, Roy). However, there is at least one player guaranteed to get touches. Maybe it's the 3rd cup of coffee ("Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home..."), but I'm doing something I haven't done in those aforementioned 3+ seasons, I'm picking our QB, Trevor Knight, as my offensive player of the game. I think (hope?) that the young buck rambles, scrambles and throws all over the field today and lends me one of those corn-dogs Mitch observed in Mike Stoops' shorts (front, not back). I'm thinking 250+ passing yards, 50+ rushing yards, 3 TD's and 1 int (he'll have hiccups).

Defense

Here I really only have one option at this stage of the season given the number of question marks on D. So no bullshitting around, my pick is Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin. I don't foresee any int's due to the fact that they'll likely avoid going his direction much in the passing game. That said I think he makes multiple big tackles and forces a fumble in the run game (he can hit).

Score

My hunch is they can score. I'm hopeful we can too. Provided we don't run shotgun draws every play and turn into The Chuck Long Project (the offense, not the progressive rock trio I can only assume exists somewhere) again, I think we'll put up some points ourselves. It might not be flawlessly pretty but I think we win convincingly today 41-24. No I don't like that it's that close but they get a garbage TD in there at the end.

Let's roll heads, it's Sooner football season again.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner!

Oklahoma vs. West Virginny

Dana Holgerson looks like the guy who rings my doorbell once a year asking for ten bucks to paint my house number on my curb. He's not a number stenciler though. He's the coach of the most disappointing team in all of football this year. These Mountaineers are not who we thought they were. This game is not for the Big 12 title after all.

The reason is simple.

The weekend of OU-Texas, I thought I watched the worst defense in the country play that morning (Texas). Then I saw the worst defense in the country play that afternoon (West Virginia). The Sooners should be licking their chops for this one.

OFFENSE

West Virginia cant't stop a wet fart which is good because nothing makes me more nervous than Landry playing in a hostile environment. It's going to be difficult for him to beat himself. But, if anyone can do it, it's him.

You could really pick anyone for today's OPOG. It's not looking through crimson-colored glasses to think that the Sooners could have three 100-yard receivers today. Landry will throw for 400 without breaking a sweat.

I think the key though is the run game. Stopping it is West Virginia's "strength" if such a thing exists on a squad that ranks 117th out of 120 teams. How much success can the Sooners have running? If it isn't working, how quickly will they abandon it?

Ever the optimist, I think the Sooners do have success and I think DD Williams gets back on track today. The last few weeks have been the Brennan Clay show. I don't care who carries the load but my gut says to pick DD. I think the Sooners really commit to running as well, if for no other reason than to keep Geno Smith off the field.

DEFENSE

The Sooners got a bit exposed last week. The good news is the D held Baylor to their fewest yards of the season. The bad news: They gave up a metric ton of rushing yards.

Dana Holgerson is the type of guy who will key in on these weaknesses and pick them like a scab if you let him. OU's Kryptonite on D is the run game. WVU does not have much of a rushing attack but will they be effective enough to open up their vaunted passing game?

At the end of the day this is going to be strength versus strength. The strength of the OU D is pass defense. The strength of WVU's offense is its passing attack. I'm cautiously optimistic about the Sooners chances. I'm optimistic because of Frank Shannon. He's my darkhorse for DPOG. A pass heavy offense means less Tommy Wort. Frank needs to be as active as he's been all season. I see no reason for him not to be.

While we're here, the Sooners have to tackle today. I'm looking at Javon Harris. If Landry leaves 150 passing yards on the field every week, Javon leaves about 6 tackles. He and Gabe Lynn cannot be doing their spark and gasoline routine today.

THE SCORE

Today the best defense is going to have to be our offense. Long, sustained drives with scores. Limited appearances by Lonnie. There is absolutely no excuse for not scoring 50. The Sooner D has to deny any rushing attack so it can focus on limiting the passing attack.

The state of Oklahoma doesn't get to look down its nose at many other states. West Virginia is one of them.

I'm very bullish on our Sooners today. Way more than I was a few months ago. No surprise, I like the Sooners big.

Oklahoma 56 West Virginia 28

Boomer to the motherfuckin' Sooner!

texas

The Red River Game is on us again. This is going to be an epic showdown. There's no love lost between these two. You can throw out the records on this one. It's going to come down to who can protect the football. These two are going to leave everything on the field. It's going to be a street fight.

And so it goes with these types of games. I'll admit I've got a railroad spike between my legs for this one. I do hate texas. One of those pure hates where it's nearly impossible to imagine a scenario where I'd root for them to win. (You have to root for Texas or go down on Rosy O'Donnell with a nasty yeast infection fresh after a marathon. Me: how hot is it during the run?) Even if you take all of the rivalry out of the picture (impossible) this game is enormous in both the conference and national landscapes. Oddly though this is the first year in a while where the conference championship didn't rest on this game. Both teams come in with conference losses. Nonetheless if the Sooners can win it they still have most of (if not all of) their goals within reach.

Now that I've ran the importance of the game into the ground, let's look at the game itself. I have visions of 2001 in this one. A tight defensive (or maybe inept offensive) game where it comes down to the end. Also like 2001 this game features a QB wont to shit all over the field in the face of pressure. Unlike 2001, that QB is a Sooner. I have a terrible fear that the texas D-Line will (easily) coax Lonnie in to multiple turnovers. Let's hope I'm as off the mark with that prediction as I normally am.

I think our defense is improving and will be able to do a decent job with their offense. Javon Harris, in spite of his pick 6 last week,consistently misses tackles and is obviously out of position. He is the worst piece of an otherwise solid secondary. Frank Shannon gave us hope last week that the flailing cockney tackler-Tom Wort's days may be numbered. I don't hate Wort but he's been a pretty average (at best) player. Though coaches are saying Wort will start, my guess is his lease will be pretty short. Regardless I think Shannon will get significant meaningful minutes. Let's hope last week wasn't an aberration.

Offense

To his credit, Lonnie has played relatively well against texas. That said, this is his first go at them without Broyles. While he did play well last week, he's been historically hot and cold week-to-week. As I texted Mitch last week, I guess we're getting Mr. Hyde this week. Here's hoping I'm wrong. I'm not going to get too out of the box on this one. I'm going with Kenny Fuckin' Shitbag Stills. I like him for 2 (that's right 2!) scores today.

Defense

Oh how I want to pick Frank Shannon, everyone's newest darling. But I'm not ready to, ahem, crown his ass just yet. I'm going slightly off the beaten path here and going with Casey Walker. He had a big game in Dallas last season and I think today he gets back in the groove again.

Score

As I said, I think this is going to be a low scoring affair. I've really had a bad feeling all week but I awoke today with renewed enthusiasm (read: morning wood). I think our D keeps us in it and we do enough to eek this one out. Sooners win, 17-13.

Now let's go out and roll these rotten motherfuckers.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner!!