Clemson - The Semi(wood)'s

Well sports fans, here we are at the penultimate game for college football. The Sooners come into this game having Steamrolled (it's the name of this blog) the Big 12 powerhouses in a November that can only be described as badass. Somehow, after losing to a decidedly shitty texas squad in October, the Sooners "got their shit together" and kicked everyone's ass thereafter. So much so, that even though Clemson is #1 and undefeated, OU is favored in this game and also predicted by many to win it all. I, not surprisingly, have less confidence. Lest we forget, this same Clemson squad demolished OU but 1 year ago. Hopefully, the locker room bulletin board is overloaded with reminders of this.

The matchup is a wet dream for the NCAA and media outlets everywhere. The rematch, the balanced teams, the coaching undertones with Venables, the undefeated darlings, and the old time power all simmer together and make the most delicious matchup. I'm nervous, the Sooners have a recent history (approximately the last decade) of wilting when the lights are hottest. Clemson, no doubt, feels slighted that they, the #1 and undefeated team, come in as underdogs. There is no shortage of motivation for either side, In short, this is huge.

Offense

All week, the story has been Mayfield and Watson. I even read an ESPN puff piece on Mayfield's intramural days at OU. Both are dynamic and both will probably influence the outcome of this game more than any one player on their respective teams. That said, I'm not going with Mayfield here. Perine and Mixon are going to both be huge, they are as essential to the hopes of Sooner nation as Mayfield. But, one player has scarcely been mentioned all week. I think Sterling Shepard hauls in 10 balls, and scores twice. I think Clemson doesn't have an answer for him tonight.

Defense

Whoa doctor, this is where the rubber meets the road. Deshaun Watson is as dynamic of a player as there is in college football. I was looking at some advanced metrics on him and in most categories his two most similar comparisons historically are Cam Newton and Russell Wilson. Yikes. The idea is simple, the execution? Nearly impossible. Shut down Watson and OU will win this game. Who will step up for the Sooners today? Whew, my hope is everyone but if pinning it down to one individual, I'm going with Charles "Ass" Tapper. He's really developed into a monster this year. I think his foot is squarely in Watson's ass all day.

Score

Many years ago, my buddy Mitch and I were driving around in my home town, during a weekend I had coaxed him to make the drive 4 hours up I-44. It was cold, and with little else to do, we stopped at a Blockbuster Music Store and purchased a CD (ladies and gentleman, my submission for most dated sentence of 2015). Why do I remember this apparently mundane sequence of events so vividly? It was both of our first exposures to a band called Parliament. I'm not saying I remember everything perfectly after that point, but I do know we listened to it on repeat about 5 times. Last night I had the great pleasure of seeing George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic live. As I proceeded to boogie, my mind turned to that long ago night, and I only felt good vibes for Sooner nation. Sooners beat Clemson today 34-24.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.

Oklahoma State (aka Bedlam)

Stillwater, a tiny little butthole on the map of America. Known for a bar with the most delicious (and diarrhea inducing) cheese fries I've ever had, and a college football team built on one lunatic billionaires oil money. The Sooners travel a little ways down the road today and take on this football team with the highest of stakes at hand. OSU lost last week to Baylor, that takes a little of the glimmer off of this one in the national eye, but does nothing to diminish what OU has to play for. The Sooners magical run through November has us old guys reminiscing about Red October waaaaay back in 2000 (credit: Steve Mitchell). But the far away looks in our eyes will be quickly gouged out if the Sooners lay an egg today. In short, win and the Sooners are making the Big 12's first trip to the new college playoff with everything in front of them. Lose, and it's another second tier bowl game, dripping with the scraps of what might have been.

Offense

That game last Saturday was an absolute butthole destroyer. You couldn't have forced a single hydrogen atom out of my ass with a blow torch. It confirmed what no one ever had any doubts about, Trevor Knight is shit (read on, he won't be my OPG pick), and Samaje Perine is a man playing against boys. Basically, Baker Mayfield is the only hope OU has. Thankfully, at last check, he will play. The previous few sentences make it hard to not pick him as OPG. After all, the offense is a Chevy Corsica with corn syrup in the tank without him. I like Mayfield to account for 4 TD's today and cement himself as a top Heisman contender.

Defense

Oh boy, the defense. A game that should've been over at halftime forced my dramatic butthole sentence earlier after allowing a 3rd string TCU QB to get the Horned Frogs back in it. Granted, after the Pu Pu Platter that Knight served, they were on the field roughly 97% of the half, but still. OSU has never had trouble scoring, and they will definitely get theirs today. I think it all starts up front (like I always do), and I like Charles "Ass" Tapper to have another huge day. This guy went from possible UFA roster spot to mid round draft choice in the last 5 weeks. To summarize, he's been a terror. I like him for 2 sacks today and countless pressures

Score

This is for all of the marbles. After that texas game, who would have ever thought it possible? Not me, for one. Literally everything is still on the table, playoffs (playoffs?) or the whocares.com bowl. I'm feeling the former. OSU will score, the crowd will be apeshit, but the Mayfield and the defense will lead us to the promise land in a scorcher. Sooners take it 41-40. I've got two more pieces in me this season.

Boomer to the MOTHERFUCKIN Sooner

Iowa State

The Sooners return home this week after doing yeoman's work in dismantling a KU team who can succinctly be described as chilled urine. OU did everything that was expected of them, and in light of recent times, let's not discount that. This week the Cyclones of Iowa State come in to town, fresh off a win against texas. Fortunately, I don't expect the whole "they beat them and we didn't" thing to be much of a factor.

Since embarrassing themselves on their biggest stage (so far), against their biggest rival, the Sooners have proceeded to put up 160+ points over the last 3 games. The offense looks as oiled as a twink in a steam-room, and the D has been steady. Granted, this wasn't against a murderers row of opponents, but KState has given both Baylor and TCU all they wanted this year and OU made them look like Rockford Peaches.

Iowa State comes into this one with a freshman QB poised to start. They do have talent at the skill positions, yet I don't expect a dismantling like we've seen in recent weeks. Let's not forget ISU played a good Iowa team very tough, and their 3-5 record belies their overall talent level. They have enough athleticism to give OU some problems on both sides of the ball. That said, I can't get past the frosh running the show for them, and I think the Sooner offense keeps rolling at home. Speaking of...(Segue, The Magazine!, is doing a feature piece on this last sentence next month, check your news-stands)

Offense

After hitting a home-run with a Sterling Shepard pick last week, I look to make 1 in a row, 2. To be fair, it would've been more of a challenge to pick a bust last week, but if anyone could accomplish that, it's me. This week I'm going to go with another receiver. The guy that is most likely to get a rub & tug from Mitch, Mark Andrews. Honestly, he's a mismatch for anyone with his size and speed. I hope that Lincoln Riley starts to utilize this more. I think today he goes for a touchdown and at least one other big play.

Defense

Last week would've been the one to go with Charles "Ass" Tapper. He had a monster game. With the freshman QB going for Iowa State, I like a D-Lineman to step up again and have a big game. I like Charles Walker to "bring it" today. I think he gets good push up the middle and has at least 1 sack.

Score

As I mentioned before, I just don't foresee a complete fisting (partial fisting? very weird) again this week. Iowa State has talent, this is the last "tune up" before the heart of the conference slate and the Sooners could be looking ahead accordingly. But, I don't think Iowa State has enough on the road to take this one. The Sooners struggle early but cruise late, 45-24.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner



PS: I'd be remiss not to mention the Kansas City Royals. I'm a lifelong fan, and a diehard through decades of the leanest of times. They completed an improbable (and looking just a few years back, seemingly impossible) run of dominance over the last couple of seasons with their first World Series title since Reagan started his second term. It's an odd feeling, and one made all the more satisfying because of the years of complete ineptitude on and off the field. It's probably the sweetest victory of my adult fandom, and one I won't soon forget. Now, back to your regularly schedule football bullshit...

The 2015 Oklahoma Sooners Defensive Preview

The 2015 season is nigh upon us and the defense will very likely be what determines if the Sooners can make a run to the playoff, or idle by as also-rans yet again.

When examining the Sooners roster on defense, it's hard not to notice that they are pretty young as a whole. There are only 4 seniors in the two deep, 2 of them start, while no freshman are starting, that unit doesn't scream seasoned vet. There are absolutely some talented guys there, including guys like Dominique Alexander who, though not a senior, has more experience as a junior than most older guys. It's not all doom and gloom, but there needs to be a significant improvement over last season when the Sooner D singlehandedly bought the local Tums salesman's pool.

The defensive backfield was abysmal. These weren't lapses either, though I guess the entire months of September, October, and November are a lapse relative to the age of the Sun. Zack Sanchez looked like he might be the real deal, and as it stands now, is easily our best guy back there. Steven Parker looked very promising as a true frosh last season, he stands to start at NB. Jordan Thomas was truly awful, and completely unprepared to play last season. Let's hope a year of reflection on last season has motivated him to be more prepared to run, tackle, etc this year. I think Hatari "2000" Byrd and Ahmad Thomas showed promise as well. If we squint just right, this could be the most improved group on the team. They damn sure need to be.

The LB spot is pretty solid, I think. Jordan Evans beat out Frank Shannon for one of the starting spots. Both are salty, and I suspect Big Frank will get plenty of reps. It won't shock me a bit to see him starting at some point, but don't sleep on Jordan Evans either. Dominique Alexander is also extremely solid. A tackles machine, he seems to be in the right place on most downs. The entire unit desperately needs to improve in the passing game, however.

Defensive Line has some question marks as well. The DE spots are locked down hard by Eric Motherfuckin Striker and Charles "Ass" Tapper. Both can get to the QB and fly around the field, but the depth behind them is firmly in the "question mark" category. Speaking of, the middle of the line could be trouble. Dimon, Romar, and Wade comprise the most known commodities. Though the Big 12 is pretty pass-happy these days, getting a push from these guys will be crucial in minimizing our DB's exposure. This is starting to feel like a lot of "ifs."

Last season, the defense finished 114 in the nation vs the pass. Some changes have been made, moving full-time to the 4-2-5, or at least as a base package could help. I also read that last season they had two different coaches for the secondary, one for the safeties and one for the corners!? One player said that this season communication has been so much better now that they're all in the same meetings together. Why not have the QB and receivers meet separately and then just figure it out on gameday? (I can't confidently say that didn't happen last year as well.) I'm not even a reasonable facsimile of a pee-wee football coach, but this seems like a pretty damn obvious way to set things up.

There is a lot that has to go right for this defense to push the Sooners to the playoff. Pretty much every unit has to improve...a lot. They aren't going to be the '85 Bears, but maybe they can do enough to get wins. I hope Mitch is right about that 45-55 point per game average. Not only would it be fun, it might be the only way to win.


Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.

OU vs. Texas Tech

Oklahoma Sooners v. TCU Horned Frogs

https://www.dropbox.com/s/gnfjawwaaso7zg9/SoonerSteamroller_05_OUvTCU2014.mp3?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/gnfjawwaaso7zg9/SoonerSteamroller_05_OUvTCU2014.mp3?dl=0

Bedlam

Good Saturday to you Sooners fans. I am writing this post from Vietnam where the wife and I have been vacationing for the past two weeks. It's a beautiful place to visit with great food if you're interested. However, I've been calling everyone I meet Charlie and am repeatedly met with blank looks. I've paid little attention to the sporting world, but I'm pretty sure I have all of the evidence I need from the season to know what is going to happen in this one. A few weeks ago our beloved Sooners went on the road against an undefeated Baylor squad. We hung tough for a quarter and a half or so and then proceeded to get shat on in nearly every phase of the game. This same Baylor team recently got punished in embarrassing fashion by the very O-State Cowboys we stand to face. I'm not a huge believer in this who-beat-who transferring from week to week, so I'm hopeful here if not doubtful. It will take our best game of the season to avoid a repeat of 2011.

Offense

Once again I'm trying to think of what to do here and am not coming up with much. I did read that Keith Ford has a chance to see the field again this week. I like the strategy of burning a year of eligibility for 20 snaps on the season. I'm doubtful he'll do enough to garner an MVP worthy performance, at least not by this blog's lofty standards. I'm going to go out on a limb here and go with Trevor Knight. I realize this basically condemns him to a terrible game but if I'm right then I think we hang around in this one. He's going to have to create more with his legs and hit a few shots down field. Otherwise, it's going to be a long day for this soft turd of an offense.

Defense

Another crapshoot here. Though I did like Dominique Alexander's play last week when Mitch and I both picked him. I think our best hope defensively is getting good pressure up front. If Chelf has all day to throw, our DB's will be putting on a live action performance of the hit Broadway musical "Smeared Britches". So I'm going with Chaz Ass Tapper today. We need him to be a force and I feel that he will come through.

Score

I'll be on a plane when this one plays out, a quick 26 hour jaunt all told. So I'll be blissfully ignorant of the outcome for a while. But let's suffice it to say that this has me awfully nervous. Like having-terrible-diarrhea-and-doing-nude-jumping-jacks-on-white-carpet nervous. As much as I hate to say it, we are the inferior team in this one. That's hard to write down. But, as is always the case this game tends to play closer than it should when one team is clearly better. I think OU hangs around, gets some big plays on special teams with Roy and Jalen, and the defense plays a complete game. With those things in mind, a couple of turnovers going our way and if you squint and tilt your head just right, you can see an OU win. It's not much to hang your hat on but it's enough and that's what the Sooners have today, enough. OU pulls out a squeaker here and wins it 31-30.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.

Tech

I'm pumped for today's game reader(s). I plan on settling in on the sofa with my pants around my ankles, a beer in one hand, and my junk in the other. Why? Well that hunk of a man Kliff Kingsbury of course. He looks exactly like Ryan Gosling, right? Right? Needless to say I'm pretty tired of hearing that shit. That's a passing comment, not a "feature piece". Furthermore it means absolutely nothing in terms of the game. Speaking of that douche, I really feel good that he's their head coach and I was out of school when he played there. Being old sucks. 

I also see that Bobby is calling for fans to be loud today. Nothing says "great fan base" like a coaching pleading them to not sit on their hands. Though the last time he did that (also against Tech incidentally), I recall it being pretty crazy. Sadly, that's the exception not the rule. I hope it's loud, and I hope we respond. I also hope it inspires Josh Heupel to call some plays that I, nevermind Tech, don't see coming. 

Offense

For those who haven't seen a game this year, we stink on offense. Partly because our QB is inept at the forward pass, and partly because our offensive coordinator is hell bent on not playing to our strengths (read: running the ball) or adapting his game-plan to what the defense is doing. However, I'm hopeful that today we realize that we can run the ball and do so with great determination and success. With that in mind I'm picking Brennan Clay today. He's been steady all year, living up to his well-earned moniker of old-steady. He'll get in the endzone once and rack up a heap of yards. (Preview to next weeks post: why did Brennan Clay not play last week?)

Defense

As you may have ascertained from what you've read up to now, I'm not feeling terribly inspired by today's game. It's 10 v 15 but I just don't have a ton of faith in either our offense or defense. We've been decimated up front in what was a surprisingly solid front. Kingsbury likes to throw it and we've not been great at stopping that (see: combo, bad). I'd like to pick Motherfuckin Colvin, but I'm not feeling it. I'm going with Ass Tapper. Chaz Ass Tapper.

That is all. 

Score

I think Tech is good, but I also think overrated. They'll be a challenge for the Sooners today no question, and I'm predictably nervous about. I do think the fans show up and become more of a "factor" than normal. I think that is enough to get us past them and keep our conference championship hopes alive. Sooners eke out an ass clincher 30-28. 

Boomer to Motherfuckin Sooner

OU vs. Texas Tech

I had no idea before the season started that this would be a game I'd be skeered of. It was an afterthought, an assumption. But I'm a little nervous about a potential butt whoopin. It's not even that I think Texas Tech is even as good as their number 10 ranking. I think the Sooners are just that bad. Texas Tech has played nobody and that's the best news. The worst news is doesn't matter because Klifford K. Kingsbury and co. probably think mighty high of themselves and this is a showcase game for them.

It raises my favorite question to ask year after year. Can the Sooners match the intensity of an opponent not named Texas or Oklahoma State? They better.

OFFENSE

Josh Heupel had some unused razzle dazzle from the texas game that he showed off last week and the result was LaColtan Bester throwing the best ball of anyone this whole season. I kid but it was a nice ball and why the fuck was a handoff to Trey Millard the Sooners most exotic wrinkle against Texas?

Anyways there's always today. This game is right in our wheelhouse offensively. We have to control the game clock and plod along and keep those Red Raiders off the football field. That means we gotta run around em and through em and over em.

This could be another game to highlight the wunderkind Keith Ford but he fumbled last week so he'll probably sit the rest of the year, be out with a leg and ask for a medical redshirt. So I'm going Brennan Clay today. The old war horse is ready for action.

DEFENSE

This is where I'm scared shitless. It's not that the Sooners are inept, it's that they're decimated and apparently have no depth. Things could get real ugly here. The saving grace is that Texas Tech, unlike OU, likes the forward pass and stopping that is what our defense does best.

That said if we don't have our head on straight this Texas Tech team could score more points than our offense could in a wet dream. In short, we need to bring it.

Having said all that you'd think I'd go defensive back here but nah. I'm going Ass Tapper. He's going to get some good rushes on the quarterback today.

THE SCORE

Oh boy. We really have to play well on D today. Flawless. I still think they'll score 21 so I'm going 27-21 in a "As close as the score would indicate" type of game.

Boomer to the motherfuckin Sooner

texass

I really hate texas. I hate their uniforms. I hate their players. I hate the attitude of their fanbase. I hate their coach. Please allow me to spin a yarn about a deeply personal experience related to the texas football program, which may enlighten you to a small part of the stem of this hatred.

Growing up in Missouri my father had an office in my hometown. He worked in the same office, in the same building for many years. As one might expect, he came to know several other tenants who leased space in this same building. Spending a fair amount of my childhood here, along with my brothers, we too came to know many of these same people. One of these people was an older lady named Martha. She was a big part of our lives growing up and became a part of our family, joining us for holidays and other occasions throughout our lives. Martha's office was similar to my fathers, only in one corner was a large, vinyl-covered, red recliner chair. It was clearly something much older than I was, but it was omnipresent in Martha's office and everyone who paid her a visit (there were many every day) invariably sat in this chair. 

Shortly after Martha passed away, my family had the task of cleaning out her office and its contents. My cousins, from Ft. Worth, were in town to visit and helped us with this task. My cousin decided that the red chair was perfect for her son's room. Though my brothers and I all felt the chair was some small part of our childhood, none of us were particularly attached to it and as such agreed to them taking the chair and getting use out of it. As my cousin (the son, who got the chair for his room) grew up, he decided to attend the university of texas (he's much smarter than this turn of events would have you believe). The chair went with him and became a fixture in an entirely new set of lives. It was as known as a piece of furniture can be in a college boy's room. 

As I was talking with my cousin a few weeks ago, I randomly inquired about the red chair. Sadly, it had been damaged beyond repair at a party, set beside the curb, and hauled away. No there is not some wild story or crazy event that preceded its demise. Rather, it was tragically destroyed by none other than David Fucking Ash, who sat his stupid fucking ass on the arm of it, rather than in the seat, and broke it off. It's now in a greater Austin landfill, thanks to that stupid fuck who is no better at simply sitting down than he is at quarterbacking. I hate texas. 

True Story.

I digress from that probably irrelevant diatribe, and point my thoughts to Mack Brown, who has done nearly as much for Bob Stoops as he's done for himself. Apart from a few years where OU was pretty lousy and texas was pretty good, we've handled them well. Say what you want about Stoops shitting himself on the biggest stages, he almost always has the Sooners ready for texas. I'm convinced the common denominator here is Brown. Much has been made of the Sooners dominating recent Red River clashes, all week long. The Sooners are (surprisingly, maybe?) good in the first part of the year. texas has been pleasingly (surprisingly, maybe?) bad. So this bodes well for the Sooners, right? Right?

Actually I'm not sure. Traditionally in sports, repeatedly telling first class athletes they won't and, moreover, can't do something tends to light a significant fire under them. Supremely motivates them. Pisses them off, so-to-speak. Pile on the rivalry aspect, which generally provides a notable motivational factor on its own. Then add in this whole, Mack-Brown-is-fired-if-they-lose corollary, and we've got a recipe for disaster in Sooner nation. All of this plus the fact that Sooner teams in recent years have excelled at "believing the hype" and adopting the attitude that simply putting on the uniform ensures victory. If this whole win-one-for-Mack thing permeates the longhorn locker room, we may be in trouble. 

Offense

Whew, where to start here? I love the ground game. I'm just as hard as can be over this ground game of ours. And if there's one thing I've proved over the first five games it's that I can pick who is going to have the worst day on the ground. I hope it's Trey Millard (that dominates, not has the worst day. I suck at this) I really do. Hell, I'll take any of the backs going off. That said, I'm not about to inadvertently put a hex on any of them, no way, no sir. I'm going to take a little trip to the passing game. I'm going to dial up one of my favorite young players and one of the 'Dozer's favorite targets. I'm going with Sterling Shepard. He's been a total stud this year and has completely lapped Trey Metoyer in the "young receiver to get excited about" race. I think Bell looks for him often, and he responds with multiple catches and at least one long TD. 

Defense

It's really tough that we lost Corey Nelson. He might've simultaneously been our most underrated and best defender. I do love Frank Shannon, and I hear Alexander is a more than capable replacement. So the LB's will hopefully be ok. That said I do imagine there will be a drop-off. In order to minimize this, we will need strong play up front, both in the pass and run games. I like one of the big boys to step and "get after it". I'm going with Charles "Ass" Tapper. He's just developing into a total badass. I think he plants that "pumpkin-head" (copyright: Keith Mitchell, 2012), Case McCoy on his dick more than once. That's right, multiple sacks, and maybe more. It's going to be a full on "boner-getter day" for the Ass Tapper fan contingency. 

Score

This looks much tougher to me than most are saying. I think texas has everything to prove and nothing to lose in this one. I think they punch us in the mouth early, maybe even have us reeling a bit. But I think we punch back and do enough to win. Sooners rally in this one to make it 4 straight, 33-27. 

Lets roll these rotten motherfuckers. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner. 

The Red River Rivalry

Not to be overconfident because, "You can throw out the records in this one" and yada yada but is this the last RRR for Mack Brown? I mean, I don't think they'll can him mid-season. But if the Longhorns lose, however badly, is this the death knell for ol' Mack? If the horns win, does it save his job? Does it provide enough of a glimmer of hope for Longhorn Nation to see if ol' Mack can bring back the bygone magic of the Vince Young days with [Insert name of freshman QB wunderkind here] ?

I wouldn't care a whit except I like whipping Mack Brown's ass. I love his nasally, over-protective post game pressers. I am also scared shitless of an Art Briles Texas Longhorn offensive juggernaut. Don't want no part of it. I like the status quo here.

Now I don't like it enough to stomach a loss to the horns this week though, you understand. No sir. I want to absolutely pistol whip these sonsabucks. But I just wonder if I had my way and the Sooners go PlayStation on the Horns, have we seen the last of Mack? It's sad to think about really. I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Mack Brown is patrolling the Georgia Tech sidelines.

OFFENSE

My favorite aspect of this game is the Cinderalla Story who comes out of nowhere and ensures himself, at worst, a future at an autograph table at Joe Cooper Ford some Saturday during Ford Truck Month. Last year Trey Millard played the role. So far this season, Josher seems happy making sure those RRR highlights are the only memories of Trey we'll have.

So who will it be this year? I couldn't tell you if the Sooners have had a tight end on the field this year or not. So that would be the longest shot. I can't even name a TE and I won't bother looking it up. Somebody like LaColtan Bester would be a good choice. He seems to be solid if forgotten after that fumble against West Virginia. I think the best choice though is someone like Roy Finch. He's the perfect candidate because he's the kind of player you can move around (a la Millard) and get involved in a lot of different ways. Most importantly, Josher can do this with a lot of NEW formations and plays. They could even go back to that little shuttle pass that worked so well with Q back in the early aughts. Who else can make that kind of play?

So my choice is Roy Damn Finch. Related: Notice I didn't mention the texas D? That's because they're terrible and if that one guy hadn't done some shithead hit on an Iowa State guy last week there'd be nothing at all with the D to talk about.

DEFENSE

Boy, the loss of Corey Nelson hurts. Speaking of Cinderella stories.  Until now, Co. Nelson's career has been more balleyhooed and underwhelming versus coming from nowhere but finally this year he was starting to make believers. In fact, he was a total beast. And now, season over.

No time to cry though. Fuckin-A we got a game to play here. I really like the idea of a Mikey Stoops defense causing Case McCoy's eyes to go all Marty Feldman.

I'd love to pick Dominique Alexander here just out of solidarity for his fallen bro but I can't. But I'm such a firm believer in the Sooners rattling Case that I do think one Chaz Tapper is going to "go off". You want to talk about pleasant surprises? You want to talk about Beast Mode? Let's talk Chaz Tapper.

THE SCORE

Well I like the Sooners big here but all cliche aside I'll be pleased with a 1 point win. Me and the lady are going to the game for the first time (for me) since 1996. I need a Sooner victory. I've earned a Sooner victory.

Realistically, the texas D is pathetic. Our O will be fine. Our D will be "turnt up". We will, in fact, dominate.

I like the Sooners here in a great way. OU 35, texas 14.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner!

Notre Dame

Today the Sooners walk into, arguably the most hallowed ground in college football, to battle against the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. The program is as storied as the come, and with the hiring of Brian Kelly, has made a full return to national relevance culminating with a trip to (and subsequent ass-beat in) the National Championship game last season. The list of traditions is long and oft discussed. Touchdown Jesus, slapping the Play Like a Champion sign (which might be one of the greatest heist jobs in history as it's a blatant rip-off from OU, I digress), painting the helmets for every game with paint allegedly containing real gold...and the list goes on. However, what many of the main stream media and general population don't know is that there are a few traditions that are just as vital to the aura and mystique of Notre Dame football that continually fly under the radar. Let's end the suspense:

The North Bend
While South Bend, IN is the home to Notre Dame, the North Bend is long-held, pre-game tradition that no player puts on his cup until he has throbbing erection. This, along with painting the helmets, the pre-game handy is a perk of being the Football Pep Club. Multiple, conflicting theories exist as the origin and significance of this tradition.

Lou Holtz Pregame Speeches

No, the legendary Lou doesn't come to each game and fire up the Notre Dame troops. Upon hiring each new ND coach, one of the first orders of business is to have an ill-fitting retainer made. Before each game, the coach pounds two Jaeger bombs, puts in the retainer and delivers a garbled, saliva-blasting speech to inspire his team.

Shower Rides
While it's true that no player has been carried off of the field since Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger famously was, it's said a new tradition was born the following season. The star player of the game rides the player of his choice in a soaped-up shower celebration, while the rest of the team chants his name as a cap-tip to Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!

The Dusting of the Pubes
The famous gold in the freshly painted helmets is widely discussed. However, few know that the priests at Notre Dame shave the first pubes of the altar boys until the age of 16 in order to "keep them young and pure." These pubes are sprinkled all over the field and is said to provide the team with fresh legs throughout the game.

That is but four of the "secret" Notre Dame traditions that make the school the greatest gift to college football that has ever existed. Let's hope the Sooners don't crumble and wilt in the face of such glory.

Offense

Sooner Nation is still basking the glow of Blake Bell's dominant performance two weeks ago. The 'Dozer made everyone in Norman hit the streets to find the "heady nugs" that Stoops Heupel et al must have been smoking when Trevor Adophilous Knight was named the starter in his stead. While his passes were on time and accurate, sadly the barometer that is the Tulsa defense isn't the most telling. I, for one, am excited/anxious/nervous to see what he looks like against a very solid Irish D. Their front seven is pretty hard at every position, and their D-line in particular will provide a very tough challenge for our running game as well as pass protection. However, their secondary is rumored to be the bacon-caramel-brownie to their Kirstie Alley (read: weak point). With that in mind, I'm going with a receiver today. I think Jalen Saunders gets back on track after not being a focal point in the passing game last week. I think he gets in the end zone at least once today and makes some big catches for us.

Defense

This will be a big test for our boys on what has been a surprisingly solid defense thus far. Supposedly OU will be mixing in some of their 4-3 that was the mainstay of the Stoops brother's defenses until being supplanted for a 3-3-5 that was installed this past off-season. I've loved the play of our linebackers this year; Frank Shannon has been awesome. Jordan Phillips and Charles "Ass" Tapper have been very tough on the line as well. Today I'm going with Corey Nelson on defense. Long on potential and short on production in years past, he's finally (and almost quietly) playing like the star he was rumored to be for the last few seasons. I like him to be "flying to the football" today and making a bunch of big tackles.

Score

This is a huge test for our boys today. The Sooners have a longstanding tradition of their own, shitting the bed against the Notre Dame. While the Irish and their faithful will undoubtedly adhere to their traditions today and always, the Sooners will fly in the face of history with a win in South Bend. It will certainly be tough, but revenge is on our minds after last season. The defense plays well, and the 'Dozer does enough to win. The Sooners leave the scoreboard at 21-17.


Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner

Tulsa

This Saturday pits our beloved Sooners against the Tulsa, Golden Hurricane. Much has been made of how ridiculous it is that a school located so far from the threat of a hurricane should have such a name. Cue some asshole explaining how it's not really for a hurricane but for blah blah blah... Shut up. I've decided that a golden hurricane is something of a euphemism along the lines of a Cleveland Steamer or a Blumpkin. Basically 15-20 fat Japanese men binge on beer until each is nearing a bladder rupture. They then disrobe and form a circle. Then a young girl kneels in the middle of them. At this point they simultaneously unleash a furious deluge of urine, soaking her in a Golden Hurricane. I wish the on-field mascot reflected this better. 

Going into this campaign I knew there would be some growing pains. I assumed, given the plethora of returning skill position players, that the majority of said pains would be on defense. Oh how I was wrong. While the D has looked excellent (deceptively good I think, but I digress), it's the O that has been basically terrible. Trevor Knight was bad enough last week that the coaching staff replaced him in the 4th (knee injury or not I think) with Blake Bell. Moreover, they opened up the avenue that they might have been wrong about Knight, something that Bobby has not been wont to do historically. Bell did little to quell any fears pertaining to the passing game but did manage to be the tortoise to Knights hare, in that his slow and steady was effective at moving the chains late. 

I'm hopeful that Bell can find some kind of groove in the passing game. It's going to be rough (long term) if he can't and Tulsa feels like a good time to "get right". Defensively, I hope we can keep it up. Schematically I'm not sure we've been dramatically better than recent years, but I will say that the tackling has been light years ahead of last season. That alone is worth a nod to Mike Stoops. The spread has us giving 24, that seems generous given our struggles last week. Nonetheless, we play to win, if not cover, and I think we'll do that. 

Offense

Last week I picked the right position, but couldn't have been more wrong about the player. Brennan Old Steady Clay had a railroad spike between my legs all night. What a game. I still wish we'd spread the touches around the backfield more, ie Millard, but it's hard to argue with the two-headed monster of Williams and Clay. I would really like to go with Jaz "Hands" Reynolds or LaColtan Bester, but I just don't think Bell will drop back and throw enough to make that realistic. Perhaps this is a hindsight pick or betting on last race's horse, but I'm going Brennan Clay this week. He was just a total force all night, and wasn't stoppable even when I knew what was coming. I think that earns him copious touches against Tulsa and he responds with 100+ and 2 trips across the goal line. 

Defense

I really feel like Frank Shannon is becoming a huge difference maker on D. He's almost quietly been (arguably) our best defender. Credit where due as well: Gabe "gas rag" Lynn hasn't been completely abysmal either. That said I've got a new guy out there that is rapidly becoming one of my favorites this year, Charles Tapper (aside: can we just make his nickname "ass" now? It's too awesome to not have Charles "Ass" Tapper. Nope, it's done, Ass Tapper). I'm going with big Charles this week. I think he picks up a sack and is a force on the defensive front both against the pass and run. 

Score

As I said, 24 seems like a reach with our O. I think this one might be painful to watch though I don't think it will be in doubt too terribly much. I like OU 28-10. Bell gets the ground game rolling and the ghosts of Bud Wilkinson smash their way to a win. 

Time to roll heads. Early start, early finish. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner 

WVU

As the first light of dawn reached into my bedroom, I awoke. My buckskin pants already on, I turned my legs toward the floor and my feet delved into my fur lined, high-top moccasins. As I stood I simultaneously stretched, and reached for the tassled, tanned leather jacket hanging on a deer antler next to my bed. I pulled its soft, animal embrace over my skeletal frame. Sleep still in my eyes, and morning still on my breath, I placed my time-worn coonskin cap on and threw my musket over my shoulder. My arm pushed open the weathered, wooden door to my bunk and my gaze met the morning sun with a squint. As I took my first breath of the crisp morning air, I felt the familiar deluge of carnal excitement as I went into the next bunkhouse to fornicate with both of my sisters. And it was golden.

--from, "The Mountaineer: My Year of Torrid Incest as an Adult Male Cheerleader", HarperCollins; 2003

There's a less than 3% chance I made that up, which is roughly on par with the chance I give WVU of winning today in Norman. Everyone knows the details of last season's track meet in Morgantown. The Sooners emerged victorious but not before allowing Smith, Austin et al to literally run at will all over our embarrassing, wait-it's-not-two-hand-touch?-defense. It's the worst performance defensively of the Bob Stoops era. It was the least satisfying win I can remember, but a win nonetheless.

All of the key pieces of that onslaught, and of Dana Holgerson's (semi) relevant Mountaineer team of last season, are gone. New QB, new skill position guys and it all showed up (or didn't, depending on..) last week. WVU had to rally, RALLY, in the second half against The Tribe of William and Mary. Granted, I'm sure they were overlooking them a bit, but still. They certainly won't be looking past OU on the road today. However, I'm sure we're eager to shut them down and prove that last year was the exception, not the rule. My suspicion is Mike Stoops has not failed to remind the defense of how fucking terrible they looked last season against these guys. My hope is he's got a game-plan together to show them "what's what".

Last week marked the debut of Trevor Adophilous Knight (probably/certainly not his real middle name, but it sounds damn fine and "right" to me). He showed Sooner Nation his ability to scramble. He also showed he can be woefully inaccurate in the passing game. While I didn't get to watch the game ($49.95 to stream ULM on SoonerSports?? Not a fucking chance), reports indicate he settled down as the game went on. I hope that he's more poised today and starts making the good throws that are there. Of course, it's nice to have our running game as a fallback. I was pleased to see from the box score that Roy Finch had a nice day, and Mitch seems pretty high on Keith Ford. That said I was disappointed that Heupel found enough touches leftover to give Trey Millard one (ONE!?) carry. I hope that changes, though I have strong doubts.

Offense

I liked going with Knight in his debut, and I think a case can be made that he was OPG. Early returns look as though Jalen Saunders may be a favorite target as he had a nice game last week (nice call, Mitchy). I was pleased to see Trey Metoyer find the endzone last Saturday as well. This week, I'm feeling as though Knight picks up the passing game even more, and puts up better numbers. Though I'd love to go with Knight or a receiver, I feel like it's going to be someone on the ground today. The running game is such a tough pick with so many options (underutilized or not) to give the ball to. I'm going to go with Roy Finch. I'm excited that he's becoming a part of the offense (again) because, let's face it, when he is out there he almost always does something awesome. I think 100+ yards is unrealistic with all of our options, but I feel as though an all around balanced day of running and receiving with one score is coming.

Defense

I really wish I could have seen last week's game. It's been so long since we've shut down anyone, regardless of what kind of team it is, to that degree. Only two trips past the 50! I must say it feels good. We're clearly not going to keep putting up those kinds of games in the Big 12, but it's a nice start. Though Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin played well last week, it felt even better to tip a cap toward Frank Shannon and Charles Tapper who both ended up having really nice games. With that in mind, I'm going to pick Frank Shannon as my DPG (Defensive Player of the Game, not Disrespectful Pounding of the Gash). I think he makes a lot of big tackles today, and leads us to another solid defensive performance.

Score

I like what the D showed last week, and I like that WVU struggled to score against William AND Mary (I mean, both of them??) last week. I also think the offense gets rolling even more this week with Knight settling in earlier. Sooners win this one 41-17. Solid performance out of the gate, and we keep the pressure on throughout.

This is my first game of the season to watch, and I couldn't be more excited about the prospect of it. It's payback for last year and we'll do it in a big way. Let's roll heads.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner

OU vs. West Virginia

Judging future performance on the recent past is a tricky business. It's borderline dumb in sports. Any given Sunday and all that jazz. But last week, West Virginia had to throw the kitchen sink at William and Mary to eek out a win at home. I pegged William and Mary for a women's field hockey powerhouse. Nevertheless, a game that was, on paper, the best of the 2013 Sooner home slate now looks a little less appealing.

That's dangerous thinking that the Sooners would be advised not to buy into.

I watched a little bit of the WVU game and the Mountaineers trotted out some half wit at quarterback name Greg Millard. I am delighted to call him Greg Marmalard. I hope he plays early and often. He seemed ineffective.

OFFENSE

Anyone who wasn't pleased with last week's performance is a jerk. Trevor Knight was shaky early in his first meaningful action since high school. That's understandable. Some of his passes should have been caught. He managed the game, his lone turnover was awarded via replay and was a long pass on 3rd down anyway (effectively a punt). He got rid of the ball quickly, didn't take a sack and didn't fool the o-line with snap counts and such.

The running game was damn good too. It might not happen this year but Keith Ford is going to be a star. On one play it took three defenders to bring him down and they all got up slowly. The dude runs hard.

I would expect more of the same this week. I expect the passing to be marginally improved by virtue of the distribution of the ball being a bit better.

For my OPOG I'll go with Roy Damn Finch. He saw more action than I expected and I think he'll break some longer ones this week. The good news is there are options here week in and week out.

Before we move on to defense I'd like to highlight that both Navin and I made awesome picks last week. Both Knight and Jalen Saunders were impressive.

DEFENSE

Sooner fans should be pleased with what they saw on this side of the ball last week as well. Shutouts are hard to get. There is clearly an athletic upgrade across the board from this year to last. They seemed to play with a sense of urgency. I was really impressed by Jordan Phillips and Charles (Chaz) Tapper on the line. Frank Shannon and Corey Nelson both played well. Eric Striker is a linebacker in a Safety's body. Zack Sanchez was solid at DB. Quentin Hayes and (gulp!) Gabe Lynn were both flying around.

I'm cautiously optimistic that the attitude and snarl missing from year's past has finally made its return.

For my DPOG I'm going with Cory Nelson. I'm hopeful that the Sooners might have an answer to all the underneath stuff these widespread offenses are using. The LB's really seemed like they were covering some ground last week. Maybe some of these plays can get funneled to these guys and that they have the athleticism to make the plays.

Seems crazy picking an LB but what the heck.

SCORE

It's too hard to believe that WVU can be as bad as they appeared last week. I chalk it up to new personnel and looking ahead a bit. Also, Dana Holgerson seems like a putz so he probably just didn't have the boys ready to play. So, I think they look a little better this week and score some points.

I do not, on the other hand, believe that the WVU defense can hold a wet fart. This will not be the shootout of last year but there will be lots of scoring.

OU 42 WVU 24

Boomer to the motherfuckin Sooner

ULM Quick Hits

Quick hits on OU's 34-0 victory over ULM

Trevor Knight

• Trevor Knight made plays on 3rd and long
• He gets rid of the ball fast
• Finally he settled down and made some nice throws
• Lots of room to improve

On the Offense

• Keith Ford will be a stud. He lays the lumber
• Roy Finch got a ton of touches
• Run game was awesome
• Very few penalties was great

Defense

• Defense was fantastic
• Goose eggs against anyone is a big deal
• Frank Shannon was a beast
• Charles Tapper looked great
• Jordan Phillips 
• Zack Sanchez
• Julian Wilson
• The D looked athletic and they had a chip on their shoulder. Definitely encouraging.

34-0 is better than I'd hoped for. We're clearly going to be national champions. JK. Good start though.

PS I'm "Affected"

ULM

For the first time since being totally destroyed on the biggest stage (again) last January, the Sooners take the field with a clean slate this evening. As I mentioned in my post on Wednesday, I have an odd mix of resignation and optimism on the season. But as I wiped my eyes this morning and rolled out of bed, optimism sprung up. While I'm not sure what to expect during the course of the season, today I'm expecting an ass beat be put on the poor saps from ULM.

Yes, the pundits say that ULM is not to be taken lightly. They started their season by beating a respectable Arkansas team on the road and played (a shitty) Auburn close last year. They also had tough losses to such powerhouses as Arkansas State and Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. With that in mind I'll chalk the Arkansas upset to being overlooked and the others to not being a great team. Listen, they are who we think they are and if you want to crown their asses then go ahead and crown them. Denny Green aside, they're a decent mid-major capable of beating us. However, I don't think it's likely.

The biggest story of our day, and what has me brimming with curiosity and excitement is the debut of Trevor Knight, aka not lonnie jones. I'm pumped to see what this supposed wunderkind can do. I'm also pumped that for the first time in 3+ seasons I'm not going into a game absolutely certain that I'm going to hate at least 10 things our QB does.

Defensively, well, who the hell knows what can happen? In my exhaustive (read: less than 7 minutes of...) research, it seems that ULM did put up quite a few points most weeks in 2012. So it appears that they know (knew?) how to score. This fact gives me more pause than anything else, given that last season we welcomed opponents into the endzone like so many penises into a chubby drunk sorority girl longing for acceptance. I didn't do any defensive newcomer selections, mostly because I didn't think of it (hat tip: Mitch), but the guys I'm excited to see, and think may have big years, are Frank Shannon and Charles Tapper (in addition to, of course, Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin). Let's hope we set the tone early this year by shutting someone down.

Offense

I feel like there are a lot of options here given the amount of talent we have returning to the skill positions. However, given Heupel's play-calling resume, it's a goddamned crapshoot figuring out who will get the ball (read: not Millard, Trey and Finch, Roy). However, there is at least one player guaranteed to get touches. Maybe it's the 3rd cup of coffee ("Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home..."), but I'm doing something I haven't done in those aforementioned 3+ seasons, I'm picking our QB, Trevor Knight, as my offensive player of the game. I think (hope?) that the young buck rambles, scrambles and throws all over the field today and lends me one of those corn-dogs Mitch observed in Mike Stoops' shorts (front, not back). I'm thinking 250+ passing yards, 50+ rushing yards, 3 TD's and 1 int (he'll have hiccups).

Defense

Here I really only have one option at this stage of the season given the number of question marks on D. So no bullshitting around, my pick is Aaron Motherfuckin' Colvin. I don't foresee any int's due to the fact that they'll likely avoid going his direction much in the passing game. That said I think he makes multiple big tackles and forces a fumble in the run game (he can hit).

Score

My hunch is they can score. I'm hopeful we can too. Provided we don't run shotgun draws every play and turn into The Chuck Long Project (the offense, not the progressive rock trio I can only assume exists somewhere) again, I think we'll put up some points ourselves. It might not be flawlessly pretty but I think we win convincingly today 41-24. No I don't like that it's that close but they get a garbage TD in there at the end.

Let's roll heads, it's Sooner football season again.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner!