Tulsa

Hey loyal reader(s), glad you're here for an early edition of the gameday picks.  As I alluded to earlier in my offseason notes, I'm leaving for parts abroad tomorrow and will be unavoidably detained from posting for the actual game whilst gone. I've also had several brews, so in keeping with the, up to now, consistent theme of being vaguely coherent, I'm not sure how much sense this is going to make. The season begins and expectations couldn't be any higher. This is nothing new for the "homers" that root for OU. Assuming you've been to a game, you've realized that unless the Sooners are winning 58-0 that people are flat out pissed off. The difference, at least compared to recent years, is that the national media is at least somewhat inclined to agree. That is a long winded and mostly irritating way of getting to the point that we are early season favorites to win the national championship...no pressure. Frankly, I don't like it. If there is anything that the Bob Stoops led teams of the last 8 or 9 years don't need, it's an inflated sense of entitlement. However, I drink the Kool Aid, shit I take enemas of it, so I'm on board. Suffice it to say, that we are supposed to be good, and I think we have a chance to be. All that said, we are playing a Tulsa team this could not be drawn up better to be a pain in our ass in week one.

Typically, we start like shit on defense. By typically I mean, since Mike Stoops left for Arizona. As luck would have it, Tulsa is like any other upstart bullshit program from a joke conference, they are built on hard nosed defense and a power running game. Oh wait, nevermind, they pass like they get 10 blowjobs for every completion and score accordingly. What I mean to say is that they are in the mold of every team that gives us trouble. 1) Nothing to Lose. 2) Something to Prove. and 3) Offense built to score a LOT. Basically that means we've got anything but a cake walk here. Their QB is by all accounts the real deal (nice name by the way, if you don't know, I'm of the opinion that the guy who goes by initials is a complete tool anyway, but G.J. or K.D. or whatever the fuck it is. It's fucking lame. Hear that? Fucking LAME), a texas transfer if that matters, and put up roughly a shitload of yards and points last year.

But we've got an ace up our sleeve, we're damn sure built to be better, we are better, and we are at home (2 losses in the last 12 years or so). But, none of that guarantees shit...except a home game. So what do I think is going to happen? I think we will win, but predictably I think it won't be the runaway that everyone thinks. I think Tulsa will score. I think our defense will go through it's annual and nauseating early season defensive growing pains. Not to mention we are missing all-world Travis Lewis, that does hurt. But, I think we'll score too, so hopefully that works out on the good side of the ledger. So to the picks.

Offense

Wow, first game of the season. No idea who the starting RB is, as of now. But I do know who we have from last season, a few decent guys. I made a decision early last season, out of disgust and the taste of vomit in my mouth that I would never pick Lonnie Jones as my player of the game. He responded in kind with a a very nice season after that. So, as a result, fuck it I'm not picking him now either. I hope he tears it up as everyone thinks he might, but his targets are my pick this week. Broyles you ask? Nope, I think he'll be great as always, but this week I'm heading to the opposite side of the field and going with one of my personal favorites: Kenny "Fucking Shitbag" Stills. I think Stills reaps the rewards of a ton of attention going to Broyles.

Defense

Geez, also tough to say. It's likely that there are going to be more people I'm disappointed in on defense than pumped about this week. However, I do think there will be at least one fellow with a big game. I'm kind of excited about Frank Alexander again, he tantalized me a couple of season ago, then I went limp for a good part of last season, then the last couple of games I became comfortably firm if not borderline hard again. While I think he has a chance to break out as a legit end this year, I don't think that Tulsa is his coming out party. I'm going with this year's M.F. winner, Tony Motherfuckin' Jefferson. I feel that he is everywhere rolling heads, and forces/comes up with at least one turnover. Boner.

As I said earlier, I think this will be tough, these guys can absolutely score some points. They've got a solid, experienced QB who will give us a ton of problems in week one. I hate it, but they are going to give all of the national guys (I'm looking at you Stewart Mandel, you fucking fuckface) that nudge they need to start sucking on the collective dicks of the SEC and declare us pretenders. Well I welcome it, a little reality check early on is what we need. All of that said, I think we win, in moderately convincing fashion. I think it's annoyingly close early, but we do what we need to, and pull it out in the second half. Sooners win 38-24.  (Editors note: First, I am the editor, Second, I proofread none of this nor did I have any sort of plan of what to write going in, so it's likely rambling and incoherent. Frankly, you can suck it. Suck it.)


Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner!!