Tonight in Tempe the Sooners cap off a season of disappointment and unrealized expectations. The Sooner coaching staff had us sitting at their feet and eating out of their hands with talk of this years squad being the favorite for the National Title. Oh how we lapped it up. Oh what a bummer.
So now here we are. The Sooners (4th place in the Big 12) versus Iowa (4th place in the Legends Division of the Big 10).
What a matchup! What stakes!
Let's review the storylines:
For Iowa, they lost their best Running Back. I don't know his name and I don't know his replacements name. But I do know that this replacement ran for something like 40 yards this year. Sounds like someone is due for a breakout performance and I know just the defense to help make it happen.
Speaking of, did you know Sooner defensive "lynchpin" and team captain Travis Lewis hasn't spoken to the media since Halloween and, rumor has it, all his teammates have pretty much ceased speaking to him as well? Camaraderie. The Sooners don't gots it.
There's also been a rash of transfers for the Sooners. "Cleaning House" according to Bob Stoops. I'm fine with it. If a guy doesn't want to play in Norman, fare thee well.
Whilst on the subject of roster thinning, how about not having Ronnell Lewis? Or Jaz Reynolds?
So there's two ways this thing can go. One, the Sooners buck up. They tuck in their bottom lip and change a shitty attitude that's been pervasive all year. Or, they put a nice tidy bow on a heaping turd of a crap cake.
Who's excited to see what happens?
OFFENSE
So, Landry hasn't thrown a touchdown pass since Ryan Broyles went down? And Jaz "Hands" Reynolds is injured? And Kenny Fuckin Shitbag Stills has inexplicably failed to step up? And, through injury and transfer, the Sooner backfield consists of Roy Finch, Brennan Clay and Trey Millard?
Well then everything should be humming like a sewing machine.
I'm going with Millard. He's been under-utilized to Stoops's chagrin. It's time to unleash the beast.
DEFENSE
Well I'm already scared that an anemic Iowa offense is going to come unhinged. The Sooner D gave Robert Griffin 3 a shove to the Heisman podium. Maybe the can get a Hawkeye on the long list going into next year?
I don't know what to do here. I'm going to say Jamelle Fleming for sentimental reasons. He's a Senior. He's played as well as anyone all year. He'll be eager to leave on a high note.
THE SCORE
I haven't felt less sure about a game all year. I don't know if the Sooners care. My crimson colored glasses tell me they will and they will shut down an Iowa offense that is not dynamic.
I hope, I hope, I hope.
I hope if I'm wrong that I remember it's a meaningless exhibition to close out a season that, by Stoops-era standards, was a major disappointment but by John Blake standards is still an overwhelming success.
Sooners 24, Hawkeyes, 13
Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner. Happy New Year.
And a special shoutout to Kate Bendick, now engaged to Cousin Brad. Mazel-tov!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Iowa
Well, this is for another season of The Steamroller, my last post of the year and sadly the means both football and calendar. One great thing about the game tomorrow is how I spent many a winter night dreaming of catching the winning touchdown in the Insight Bowl. Disgusting. Yes, I'm spoiled a bitch, but I'm not terribly excited for this game tomorrow. I have to say, I think without a doubt this is by far the most underachieving team of the Stoops era. Is this how the curve will go? Extreme overachieving at the beginning, meeting expectations for a few years, followed by decline into underachieving teams? I don't know what follows that and I don't want to, but it appears we've been headed this way for a couple of years. I digress, on to Iowa.
I know, predictably, absolutely nothing about Iowa. I know our coach played there. Does that fact even matter to anyone besides Berry Trammel et al? Anyway, with that hard hitting knowledge fresh on your pallet I haven't the slightest idea what will happen tomorrow. I do know that if they've even read books on the forward pass, we're probably in trouble. Can you tell this season disgusts me?
I suppose we've been getting ready, and since hardly anyone will be watching this game my guess is we'll play pretty well. Nobody burns brighter than Stoops and Venables when the spotlight is off. What I'm really hoping, in fact what I think the most positive possible outcome of this game is, is that Lonnie plays extremely well. So well in fact that that the Mel Kiper Jr.'s of the world, convince him that he's a lock first round pick. Nothing could bode more favorably for next season than Lonnie leaving (with the possible exception of Venables being replaced by Mike Stoops). Addition by subtraction at it's absolute purest. Enough hating, I hope we win and I we hope we do it convincingly. On to the picks
Offense
No bullshitting here, I'm going with Finch. The WR corps is depleted, hell the whole team is depleted, and Fuckin' Shitbag doesn't seem interested in stepping up to be the next WR stud. Brandon Williams is out of the picture, and frankly Finch has played well since seeing his touches increase. I think he goes for 70 on the ground, 60 receiving and 2 TD's. Big day for Roy.
Defense
I don't really even know who's playing over here, I think I saw Ronnell is ineligible for grades (mailed it in anticipating the draft I'm guessing), and probably others. I'm going with Tony Motherfuckin' Jefferson. It's his last game of the year of being Tony Motherfuckin' Jefferson, and possibly his last game of it ever (stayed tuned next fall!). I think he rises to the occasion. I sure hope he does, we need him.
Score
As I said before, I know nothing about Iowa and therefore have no decent idea of what will happen. I'm hoping we can outscore them as we haven't stopped many people. I think we do it with the pressure of hundreds watching, 38-35. Let's hope we can do this last one of the year right, let's beat these motherfuckers.
Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner
I know, predictably, absolutely nothing about Iowa. I know our coach played there. Does that fact even matter to anyone besides Berry Trammel et al? Anyway, with that hard hitting knowledge fresh on your pallet I haven't the slightest idea what will happen tomorrow. I do know that if they've even read books on the forward pass, we're probably in trouble. Can you tell this season disgusts me?
I suppose we've been getting ready, and since hardly anyone will be watching this game my guess is we'll play pretty well. Nobody burns brighter than Stoops and Venables when the spotlight is off. What I'm really hoping, in fact what I think the most positive possible outcome of this game is, is that Lonnie plays extremely well. So well in fact that that the Mel Kiper Jr.'s of the world, convince him that he's a lock first round pick. Nothing could bode more favorably for next season than Lonnie leaving (with the possible exception of Venables being replaced by Mike Stoops). Addition by subtraction at it's absolute purest. Enough hating, I hope we win and I we hope we do it convincingly. On to the picks
Offense
No bullshitting here, I'm going with Finch. The WR corps is depleted, hell the whole team is depleted, and Fuckin' Shitbag doesn't seem interested in stepping up to be the next WR stud. Brandon Williams is out of the picture, and frankly Finch has played well since seeing his touches increase. I think he goes for 70 on the ground, 60 receiving and 2 TD's. Big day for Roy.
Defense
I don't really even know who's playing over here, I think I saw Ronnell is ineligible for grades (mailed it in anticipating the draft I'm guessing), and probably others. I'm going with Tony Motherfuckin' Jefferson. It's his last game of the year of being Tony Motherfuckin' Jefferson, and possibly his last game of it ever (stayed tuned next fall!). I think he rises to the occasion. I sure hope he does, we need him.
Score
As I said before, I know nothing about Iowa and therefore have no decent idea of what will happen. I'm hoping we can outscore them as we haven't stopped many people. I think we do it with the pressure of hundreds watching, 38-35. Let's hope we can do this last one of the year right, let's beat these motherfuckers.
Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner
Saturday, December 3, 2011
F
Just read, Mitch's post after publishing mine. I've now set a new bar for worst player of the game picks in a season. If Big Frank doesn't play, I'm just a complete asshole (or possibly, regardless if he plays or not). Well, if it's questionable that he plays, I'm still going with him. I'm saying Willis Fucking Reed style. Fuck it, he's coming.
In this week's "Tee Hee" of the week, Keith's post had the words "poke" and "butthole" consecutively. I repeat. Tee Hee.
In this week's "Tee Hee" of the week, Keith's post had the words "poke" and "butthole" consecutively. I repeat. Tee Hee.
OSU
Well, here we are again. Another season where expectations failed to be met, and we sit on the cusp of another conference championship. I guess I'm a bit arrogant thinking this isn't enough, after all my freshman year we won two games (waaayyy back). In other words it could be worse I guess. None of it changes the fact that we have to win on the road at Stillwater for the second year in a row with the conference on the line. Seems tough.
OSU seems to do everything well that we struggle against, namely throw it a shitload for a ton of yardage and points. Nevermind that their QB has been able to buy the team beer since most of them were in junior high, their good regardless. As much as like to make fun of his age, he's been damn good this year and so is their offense in general. Our best hope is to win a shootout again, and with the weapons we've lost I'm not sure we can. It will be awfully hard for us to score enough given our defenses performance against offenses of this type. Lonnie will need to play two halves like the first one he played against Texas for us to have a chance. If that happens the rivers may run backwards and my jockey's may be permanently stained.
OSU losing to Iowa State does not help us at all. The fact that this is their first game since then further defecates on our chances. I sure hope we can do this, but make no mistake, this is the best team we've played all season and they've got revenge on their minds from last season. In other words, all of the intangible "if I were betting on this game" chips go in their favor. I don't like it one bit. I just hope Bobby can mindfuck Gundy enough again to pull this thing out.
Offense
I'm at a loss here. There are many limbs I'd like to go out on, but I'm scared shitless I'll jinx that player into oblivion and we won't hear from the all day, or worse they'll have a leg amputated on the 34 (I'm fucking crazy, FYI). I'd like to say Shitbag, I really would. But let's be honest, he hasn't exactly taken the leadership role and ran with it. If anyone has stepped up, I have to say it's Roy Finch. He's played well, and honestly I'm not sure anyone on the team goes as hard each down as him. He's the anti-Sooner this season. He gets more out of himself than anyone else. As a result, I'm spitting in the wind here and going against my jinx prophecy. It's Finch today for OU. I think he catches a few passes, makes something out of nothing more than once, and even picks up some tough yards on short plays. Please let me be right.
Defense
Here, I've been going to the same well for most of the year, save the last few games. Perhaps not coincidentally our defense has been suspect ever since I started going to different "wells" in order to make "smarter" picks and mix things up (did I mention I often masturbate in my own feces?). With that arousing image dancing in your cerebrum, I shift back to my bread and butter this week. It's too important, and I really can't fault myself for going with who I think has been the best defensive player in the conference, Big Frank. (can we agree, with two games left in his career, that he's just Big Frank? Can we? No really, can we?). I think Big Frank is rainboot deep in Weeden's crusty ass all day. I think I get an inappropriate erection that I have to "hide" in my waistband more than once. I like this idea very much.
Overall, I have my doubts here. I've never been this pessimistic (hard to believe) about a Bedlam game. In my memory, this is the most overmatched we've been going in, or equally matched, whatever you choose. It will take our best effort from every aspect of the game, and we'll have to play our most complete game of the season. Anything less, and we'll spend the next year hearing about this again. I'm not sure what I really think, but I'm going with OU. I have no choice. I'm a hopeless optimist with this team, and it will never change. We are talented enough and if it wasn't for years of being letdown at the most unsuspecting times I'd be downright confident. Enough. OU wins it, barely, 31-28.
Let's get out there and roll some fucking heads.
Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.
OSU seems to do everything well that we struggle against, namely throw it a shitload for a ton of yardage and points. Nevermind that their QB has been able to buy the team beer since most of them were in junior high, their good regardless. As much as like to make fun of his age, he's been damn good this year and so is their offense in general. Our best hope is to win a shootout again, and with the weapons we've lost I'm not sure we can. It will be awfully hard for us to score enough given our defenses performance against offenses of this type. Lonnie will need to play two halves like the first one he played against Texas for us to have a chance. If that happens the rivers may run backwards and my jockey's may be permanently stained.
OSU losing to Iowa State does not help us at all. The fact that this is their first game since then further defecates on our chances. I sure hope we can do this, but make no mistake, this is the best team we've played all season and they've got revenge on their minds from last season. In other words, all of the intangible "if I were betting on this game" chips go in their favor. I don't like it one bit. I just hope Bobby can mindfuck Gundy enough again to pull this thing out.
Offense
I'm at a loss here. There are many limbs I'd like to go out on, but I'm scared shitless I'll jinx that player into oblivion and we won't hear from the all day, or worse they'll have a leg amputated on the 34 (I'm fucking crazy, FYI). I'd like to say Shitbag, I really would. But let's be honest, he hasn't exactly taken the leadership role and ran with it. If anyone has stepped up, I have to say it's Roy Finch. He's played well, and honestly I'm not sure anyone on the team goes as hard each down as him. He's the anti-Sooner this season. He gets more out of himself than anyone else. As a result, I'm spitting in the wind here and going against my jinx prophecy. It's Finch today for OU. I think he catches a few passes, makes something out of nothing more than once, and even picks up some tough yards on short plays. Please let me be right.
Defense
Here, I've been going to the same well for most of the year, save the last few games. Perhaps not coincidentally our defense has been suspect ever since I started going to different "wells" in order to make "smarter" picks and mix things up (did I mention I often masturbate in my own feces?). With that arousing image dancing in your cerebrum, I shift back to my bread and butter this week. It's too important, and I really can't fault myself for going with who I think has been the best defensive player in the conference, Big Frank. (can we agree, with two games left in his career, that he's just Big Frank? Can we? No really, can we?). I think Big Frank is rainboot deep in Weeden's crusty ass all day. I think I get an inappropriate erection that I have to "hide" in my waistband more than once. I like this idea very much.
Overall, I have my doubts here. I've never been this pessimistic (hard to believe) about a Bedlam game. In my memory, this is the most overmatched we've been going in, or equally matched, whatever you choose. It will take our best effort from every aspect of the game, and we'll have to play our most complete game of the season. Anything less, and we'll spend the next year hearing about this again. I'm not sure what I really think, but I'm going with OU. I have no choice. I'm a hopeless optimist with this team, and it will never change. We are talented enough and if it wasn't for years of being letdown at the most unsuspecting times I'd be downright confident. Enough. OU wins it, barely, 31-28.
Let's get out there and roll some fucking heads.
Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner.
Bedlam
Bedlam. It sucks that this one isn't "the most important football game in Oklahoma history". Though, for OSU, it still is. As I've snarkily pointed out to every Poke fan I know this week, all the hopes and dreams of Cowboys fans and players are right there in front of them. Manifest Destiny and all that.
A Cowboy win would mean the first Big 12 Championship in school history (and the first outright conference championship since prohibition). The first BCS bid in school history. An outside shot at the first title game in school history.
Noooooo pressure.
That sound you just heard was the collective puckering of Poke buttholes.
All season long OSU had the mental advantage in this one. If there is one silver lining to the Sooners losing two games and being out of contention for the title it's that they now have, hopefully, a mental edge.
OU is now the underdog with nothing to lose. Everyone has written them off. They seem destined for a craptacular bowl game. But with one more spectacular effort they can rip the guts out of Little Brother on their own field.
No Big 12 Championship. No BCS. No title shot.
Sooner fans have to hope that the same Sooner team that showed up at Florida State, Texas and Kansas State will show up in Stillwater. Regrettably, this years Sooner squad has played to the level of its competition. Please God let them rise to the occasion today.
OFFENSE
It's Landry Jones. I hope he leaves for the NFL. He is the penultimate system QB. He leaves 120 yards on the table every week with his terrible screen passes. But we need him today. We really need him to not shit his pants and to not make inexplicably awful decisions. Make smart decisions, easy throws and let the run game do the heavy lifting. All he has to do is manage the game because the unit under the gun in this one is the defense.
DEFENSE
Great Oden's Beard these bastards need to show up today. OSU wants to turn the ball over. They love it. Brandon Weeden is not averse to making terrible decisions. Justin Blackmon made one of the dumbest football plays I've ever seen against Texas A&M and is not immune to fumbling. Joseph Randle really likes being careless with the football.
The Sooner D needs to embrace these tendencies. What they don't need to do is let the Pokes run roughshod or let receivers get behind the safeties. In general they should not give up the "Big Play". Unfortunately, they've done just that in spades all year long.
The Sooners will sorely miss Ronnel "The Hammer" Lewis. Now I'm hearing Big Frank Alexander might be out. Um, that sucks.
I'm going for Tom Wort. He's been playing well. Maybe he can get some pressure on Weeden. I think that's the key. Maybe Venables blitzes with Tommy. I actually feel pretty good about this.
THE SCORE
I'm really, really hoping for a defensive score for the Sooners. I think Landry can get a couple TD throws. Jaz Hands Reynolds will be back so that will be a huge help. The run game has been pretty stellar at times recently. I think the Sooners can get 35. That should be enough to win. But....
The D has given up big plays all season long. It's unfortunately their stock and trade. So, count on the Cowboys getting a few. Likewise, Landry could do something dumb and hand the Pokes a score on a platter. I think they take advantage.
Also, Bobby is 6-0 versus Mike "I'm a Man!" Gundy in season ending games. This fact is not lost on the Poke faithful. They are legitimately afraid of Bobby.
OU 35, OSU 24
Oh boy, this one's big. Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner.
A Cowboy win would mean the first Big 12 Championship in school history (and the first outright conference championship since prohibition). The first BCS bid in school history. An outside shot at the first title game in school history.
Noooooo pressure.
That sound you just heard was the collective puckering of Poke buttholes.
All season long OSU had the mental advantage in this one. If there is one silver lining to the Sooners losing two games and being out of contention for the title it's that they now have, hopefully, a mental edge.
OU is now the underdog with nothing to lose. Everyone has written them off. They seem destined for a craptacular bowl game. But with one more spectacular effort they can rip the guts out of Little Brother on their own field.
No Big 12 Championship. No BCS. No title shot.
Sooner fans have to hope that the same Sooner team that showed up at Florida State, Texas and Kansas State will show up in Stillwater. Regrettably, this years Sooner squad has played to the level of its competition. Please God let them rise to the occasion today.
OFFENSE
It's Landry Jones. I hope he leaves for the NFL. He is the penultimate system QB. He leaves 120 yards on the table every week with his terrible screen passes. But we need him today. We really need him to not shit his pants and to not make inexplicably awful decisions. Make smart decisions, easy throws and let the run game do the heavy lifting. All he has to do is manage the game because the unit under the gun in this one is the defense.
DEFENSE
Great Oden's Beard these bastards need to show up today. OSU wants to turn the ball over. They love it. Brandon Weeden is not averse to making terrible decisions. Justin Blackmon made one of the dumbest football plays I've ever seen against Texas A&M and is not immune to fumbling. Joseph Randle really likes being careless with the football.
The Sooner D needs to embrace these tendencies. What they don't need to do is let the Pokes run roughshod or let receivers get behind the safeties. In general they should not give up the "Big Play". Unfortunately, they've done just that in spades all year long.
The Sooners will sorely miss Ronnel "The Hammer" Lewis. Now I'm hearing Big Frank Alexander might be out. Um, that sucks.
I'm going for Tom Wort. He's been playing well. Maybe he can get some pressure on Weeden. I think that's the key. Maybe Venables blitzes with Tommy. I actually feel pretty good about this.
THE SCORE
I'm really, really hoping for a defensive score for the Sooners. I think Landry can get a couple TD throws. Jaz Hands Reynolds will be back so that will be a huge help. The run game has been pretty stellar at times recently. I think the Sooners can get 35. That should be enough to win. But....
The D has given up big plays all season long. It's unfortunately their stock and trade. So, count on the Cowboys getting a few. Likewise, Landry could do something dumb and hand the Pokes a score on a platter. I think they take advantage.
Also, Bobby is 6-0 versus Mike "I'm a Man!" Gundy in season ending games. This fact is not lost on the Poke faithful. They are legitimately afraid of Bobby.
OU 35, OSU 24
Oh boy, this one's big. Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner.
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