OU vs. Tech Post-Mortem and OU vs. Baylor

I'm about to write the easiest "piece" in the history of football. The only thing making it difficult is that I'm so drunk every sentence takes me about 10 minutes to hammer out.

I failed to write a column leading up to this Texas Tech game. If you co-write this blog you already know this. If you don't, then I'm just taking up 0's and 1's on the "Interwebs" and wasting my e-breath.

Had I written an OU-Tech pregame it would have said something about how Landry Jones (no nicknames; Solidarity) was certain to throw for 400+ yards and who knows how many touchdowns. Well, he had 5. Big fucking deal. I would have said DeMarco would be steady as a rock and how the defense would get some sacks and get some turnovers. Well, they did. Of course they did. It's a fucking joke how this team is all-world at home and first class pant-shitters on the road. I couldn't even enjoy this game because every time something positive happened I couldn't help but say to myself (or, because I may or may not have been inebriated, to every one in my purview), "OF COURSE THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE WE ARE AT HOME, NOT ON THE FUCKING ROAD!"

It's so easy to predict it's sickening. The Sooners can beat anyone by two touchdowns at home. I'd love to make it a challenge and look forward to the road games coming up (Baylor, OSU)  but it's not so much an anticipatory adventure as much as a fucking crapshoot.

Oh well, on to bigger and better things.

Baylor should be as close to a home game on the road as Texas is at the Cotton Bowl. I mean, all bets are off if the Sooners don't show up for this one. But Robert Griffin III is quite capable and to call us shaky on the road is like calling Tony Parker foolish for cheating on Eva Longoria.

But who gives a shit because you know why? I'm going to New York City to watch this one with my buddy and fellow co-blogger Navin. I could not be more pumped. I COULD NOT BE MORE PUMPED!

We'll be enjoying some adult beverages at a hole-in-the-wall, Sooner-themed bar in Manhattan where we'll, together, get to witness an OU road-game bed-wetting. Innocent bystanders might not be ready for the scene, even New Yorkers.

I'd like to say we'll have the wherewithall and inclination to do something maxo-zune-dweebie like co-blog or live blog the game and our experiences. But we are not assholes so unless something really strange happens (probably won't because we'll be so sober) don't count on it.

Quick picks before I hit the road.

Offense
It can only be one of four players. DeMarco, Ryan Broyles, Kenny Fuckin Shitbag Stills or Roy Finch. I feel like I pick DeMarco every week so he's out. Ryan Broyles only sets records at home because Landry gets confused when he isn't wearing a red jersey. So he's out. Ditto Kenny Fucking Shitbag. Roy Finch might not get on the field. Coaches Stoops and Wilson will explain it away like the Baylor scheme wasn't right for him or something nonsensical. Nonetheless, I'm stealing a page out of Navin's playbook and picking Roy.

Defense
Another crapshoot. Obviously someone is going to have to shadow Robert Griffin III. So whoever that is makes for a good candidate. But that person is probably a LB. That means Tom Wort (fuck no) and Travis Lewis (becoming the pick du jour a la DeMarco on offense). Shit. Well, I guess I'll go with Jamelle Fleming. Demontre Hurst never gets opportunities and Griffin III will throw to someone so it's Fleming by default.

The Score
Well, let's see if the Defense can defend the middle of the field. Let's see if they can keep Griffin III from running roughshod all day long. Let's see if the offense can keep from stepping on their own dicks. Of course I'm hopeful. But then of course I'm delusional.

OU 35 Baylor 21

OU - Utah State THE BREAKDOWN

Here's the way it should go; The Sooners embark on a new voyage towards another national title. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, grill smoke is wafting through campus and a lame duck opening opponent takes the pistol-whipping they are paid to take. 90,000 spoiled fans see the bloodbath they crave. Everyone totters home drunk and happy.

It had damn well better go this way.

Navin has done a fine job identifying the "strengths" of this Utah State team. I'm too lazy to confirm his research by doing my own and thus am unable to refute or add to his assertions. Which is fine and dandy anyways because whilst Navin tends to be more pragmatic I, on the other hand, wear "Crimson Colored Glasses" and think every game should be won handily, PlayStation style, like the game was set on Beginner. I'm too old to change who I am.

So if, as Navin suggests, the Utah State attack is predicated on running the football, then they are fucked. The calling card of a Brent Venables defense is stopping the run. This makes me giddy because there is nothing I enjoy more than watching the Line Backers get a dozen tackles per man. It will also force Utah State into long third downs at which point I'll enjoy watching the Sooner D-Linemen pin their ears back, forcing the Utah State QB to both shit his pants and throw ill-conceived passes into tight coverage. Hopefully this means several turnovers, maybe even a defensive touchdown. See above the note on bloodbaths.

So here's who I like in this one on both sides of the ball:

On Offense

I'm really feeling Ryan Broyles here. He's getting a lot of love nationally. A lot of pub, if you will. In week 1 he exceeds the hype. The reason being that Offensive Coordinator Kevin Wilson loves to get his QB's settled down and into the game by calling easy little passes. Broyles is going to be Lonnie's security blanket in this game and probably all season. This means short throws to Broyles in the open field where Lonnie gets in a rhythm and Broyles does what he does best; Running like his hair is on fire.  I'm calling at least 150 yards and the Heisman Hype engine firing up on the first turn of the key.

On Defense


I've already mentioned how I envision the Linebacking corps amassing roughly 50 tackles as a unit. In spite of that, I cannot go with anyone other than Quinton M.F. Carter as my Defensive Player of the Game. We made a t-shirt for him for God's sake. I think an INT would be a bonus but I'm more excited to see some bone-crunching hits and maybe a sack or two from Quinton. Carter and Ronnell Lewis could be the biggest bonecrunching duo since Roy M.F. Williams and Brandon Everage. This is legitimately exciting.

The Score


This one isn't as close as the score would indicate.

OU 63, Utah State 6