Kansas

Faithful reader(s), I put fingers to keyboard this morn with a bleak outlook on the Sooners. The loss last week, and the manner in which it happened (see: shit, bed), really put me in a bad place. College football is wonderful, I love so many things about it. One of those things is the quest for perfection and the near certainty that anything less dooms those reaching for the crystal football to bring hand to brow and turn their eyes to next year. I've exhausted my vocabulary of words relating to my thoughts on the state of Sooner football. I wish that we were contenders again. The salad days, as it were, appear distantly in the rearview mirror. Our place in the ranks of title contender has faded to nothing more than also-rans. Yet, I still watch and still hope, and still have a damn good time watching the crimson and cream (and gold. sometimes. one time. maybe never again. hopefully). 

That uplifting intro was born out of honest sentiment, but also partly out of a lack of anything interesting or entertaining that I could come up with regarding jayhawk football. The only satisfying thing I get out of beating them, and we will beat them (foreshadowing), is knowing that the literally dozens on hand in Lawrence are the same "die-hard" super fans that manage to pack out their gym night-in night-out for the basketball team. After all, nothing solidifies true fandom better than testing that fandom by cheering a team that wins invariably. 

I'm bitter. 

Offense

My pick last week was predictably poo. One positive from that game, and there weren't many, was that for the first time in his career, Trey Millard approached something resembling being a feature of the offense. I liked that a lot. In my mind he has the best chance of being something solid at "the next level". With all of that in mind. I'm going with Millard today. Yeah, I'm probably giving him the kiss of death, but I don't give a fuck. He rumbles in for another score this week. 

Defense

I'm not sure what the hell happened last Saturday but its possible we missed Corey Nelson more than we could have ever imagined. It's also possible that, with the exception of Aaron Motherfuckin Colvin, we don't have much in the secondary. While Gabe Lynn seems better suited at safety (or at least better hidden as a shit player), Zac(k?)Sanchez is stepping on necks to get the gas-rag moniker. I'm going with someone in the middle of the D, Frank Shannon. I think Frank has a very solid day, racking up a shitload of tackles again and being involved with a turnover somehow. 

Score

I like the Sooners a lot today. KU is turds. I'm pretty sure we pummel their ass from pistol to pistol. Sooners 37-10. Now, lets forget last week and go out win this one big. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner

texass

I really hate texas. I hate their uniforms. I hate their players. I hate the attitude of their fanbase. I hate their coach. Please allow me to spin a yarn about a deeply personal experience related to the texas football program, which may enlighten you to a small part of the stem of this hatred.

Growing up in Missouri my father had an office in my hometown. He worked in the same office, in the same building for many years. As one might expect, he came to know several other tenants who leased space in this same building. Spending a fair amount of my childhood here, along with my brothers, we too came to know many of these same people. One of these people was an older lady named Martha. She was a big part of our lives growing up and became a part of our family, joining us for holidays and other occasions throughout our lives. Martha's office was similar to my fathers, only in one corner was a large, vinyl-covered, red recliner chair. It was clearly something much older than I was, but it was omnipresent in Martha's office and everyone who paid her a visit (there were many every day) invariably sat in this chair. 

Shortly after Martha passed away, my family had the task of cleaning out her office and its contents. My cousins, from Ft. Worth, were in town to visit and helped us with this task. My cousin decided that the red chair was perfect for her son's room. Though my brothers and I all felt the chair was some small part of our childhood, none of us were particularly attached to it and as such agreed to them taking the chair and getting use out of it. As my cousin (the son, who got the chair for his room) grew up, he decided to attend the university of texas (he's much smarter than this turn of events would have you believe). The chair went with him and became a fixture in an entirely new set of lives. It was as known as a piece of furniture can be in a college boy's room. 

As I was talking with my cousin a few weeks ago, I randomly inquired about the red chair. Sadly, it had been damaged beyond repair at a party, set beside the curb, and hauled away. No there is not some wild story or crazy event that preceded its demise. Rather, it was tragically destroyed by none other than David Fucking Ash, who sat his stupid fucking ass on the arm of it, rather than in the seat, and broke it off. It's now in a greater Austin landfill, thanks to that stupid fuck who is no better at simply sitting down than he is at quarterbacking. I hate texas. 

True Story.

I digress from that probably irrelevant diatribe, and point my thoughts to Mack Brown, who has done nearly as much for Bob Stoops as he's done for himself. Apart from a few years where OU was pretty lousy and texas was pretty good, we've handled them well. Say what you want about Stoops shitting himself on the biggest stages, he almost always has the Sooners ready for texas. I'm convinced the common denominator here is Brown. Much has been made of the Sooners dominating recent Red River clashes, all week long. The Sooners are (surprisingly, maybe?) good in the first part of the year. texas has been pleasingly (surprisingly, maybe?) bad. So this bodes well for the Sooners, right? Right?

Actually I'm not sure. Traditionally in sports, repeatedly telling first class athletes they won't and, moreover, can't do something tends to light a significant fire under them. Supremely motivates them. Pisses them off, so-to-speak. Pile on the rivalry aspect, which generally provides a notable motivational factor on its own. Then add in this whole, Mack-Brown-is-fired-if-they-lose corollary, and we've got a recipe for disaster in Sooner nation. All of this plus the fact that Sooner teams in recent years have excelled at "believing the hype" and adopting the attitude that simply putting on the uniform ensures victory. If this whole win-one-for-Mack thing permeates the longhorn locker room, we may be in trouble. 

Offense

Whew, where to start here? I love the ground game. I'm just as hard as can be over this ground game of ours. And if there's one thing I've proved over the first five games it's that I can pick who is going to have the worst day on the ground. I hope it's Trey Millard (that dominates, not has the worst day. I suck at this) I really do. Hell, I'll take any of the backs going off. That said, I'm not about to inadvertently put a hex on any of them, no way, no sir. I'm going to take a little trip to the passing game. I'm going to dial up one of my favorite young players and one of the 'Dozer's favorite targets. I'm going with Sterling Shepard. He's been a total stud this year and has completely lapped Trey Metoyer in the "young receiver to get excited about" race. I think Bell looks for him often, and he responds with multiple catches and at least one long TD. 

Defense

It's really tough that we lost Corey Nelson. He might've simultaneously been our most underrated and best defender. I do love Frank Shannon, and I hear Alexander is a more than capable replacement. So the LB's will hopefully be ok. That said I do imagine there will be a drop-off. In order to minimize this, we will need strong play up front, both in the pass and run games. I like one of the big boys to step and "get after it". I'm going with Charles "Ass" Tapper. He's just developing into a total badass. I think he plants that "pumpkin-head" (copyright: Keith Mitchell, 2012), Case McCoy on his dick more than once. That's right, multiple sacks, and maybe more. It's going to be a full on "boner-getter day" for the Ass Tapper fan contingency. 

Score

This looks much tougher to me than most are saying. I think texas has everything to prove and nothing to lose in this one. I think they punch us in the mouth early, maybe even have us reeling a bit. But I think we punch back and do enough to win. Sooners rally in this one to make it 4 straight, 33-27. 

Lets roll these rotten motherfuckers. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner. 

The Red River Rivalry

Not to be overconfident because, "You can throw out the records in this one" and yada yada but is this the last RRR for Mack Brown? I mean, I don't think they'll can him mid-season. But if the Longhorns lose, however badly, is this the death knell for ol' Mack? If the horns win, does it save his job? Does it provide enough of a glimmer of hope for Longhorn Nation to see if ol' Mack can bring back the bygone magic of the Vince Young days with [Insert name of freshman QB wunderkind here] ?

I wouldn't care a whit except I like whipping Mack Brown's ass. I love his nasally, over-protective post game pressers. I am also scared shitless of an Art Briles Texas Longhorn offensive juggernaut. Don't want no part of it. I like the status quo here.

Now I don't like it enough to stomach a loss to the horns this week though, you understand. No sir. I want to absolutely pistol whip these sonsabucks. But I just wonder if I had my way and the Sooners go PlayStation on the Horns, have we seen the last of Mack? It's sad to think about really. I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Mack Brown is patrolling the Georgia Tech sidelines.

OFFENSE

My favorite aspect of this game is the Cinderalla Story who comes out of nowhere and ensures himself, at worst, a future at an autograph table at Joe Cooper Ford some Saturday during Ford Truck Month. Last year Trey Millard played the role. So far this season, Josher seems happy making sure those RRR highlights are the only memories of Trey we'll have.

So who will it be this year? I couldn't tell you if the Sooners have had a tight end on the field this year or not. So that would be the longest shot. I can't even name a TE and I won't bother looking it up. Somebody like LaColtan Bester would be a good choice. He seems to be solid if forgotten after that fumble against West Virginia. I think the best choice though is someone like Roy Finch. He's the perfect candidate because he's the kind of player you can move around (a la Millard) and get involved in a lot of different ways. Most importantly, Josher can do this with a lot of NEW formations and plays. They could even go back to that little shuttle pass that worked so well with Q back in the early aughts. Who else can make that kind of play?

So my choice is Roy Damn Finch. Related: Notice I didn't mention the texas D? That's because they're terrible and if that one guy hadn't done some shithead hit on an Iowa State guy last week there'd be nothing at all with the D to talk about.

DEFENSE

Boy, the loss of Corey Nelson hurts. Speaking of Cinderella stories.  Until now, Co. Nelson's career has been more balleyhooed and underwhelming versus coming from nowhere but finally this year he was starting to make believers. In fact, he was a total beast. And now, season over.

No time to cry though. Fuckin-A we got a game to play here. I really like the idea of a Mikey Stoops defense causing Case McCoy's eyes to go all Marty Feldman.

I'd love to pick Dominique Alexander here just out of solidarity for his fallen bro but I can't. But I'm such a firm believer in the Sooners rattling Case that I do think one Chaz Tapper is going to "go off". You want to talk about pleasant surprises? You want to talk about Beast Mode? Let's talk Chaz Tapper.

THE SCORE

Well I like the Sooners big here but all cliche aside I'll be pleased with a 1 point win. Me and the lady are going to the game for the first time (for me) since 1996. I need a Sooner victory. I've earned a Sooner victory.

Realistically, the texas D is pathetic. Our O will be fine. Our D will be "turnt up". We will, in fact, dominate.

I like the Sooners here in a great way. OU 35, texas 14.

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner!

OU vs. TCU

The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs come to Norman thinking upset and for good reason. This game reeks of letdown what with coming off a big win and the Longhorns looming next week.

Speaking of big wins, most of the world figured the Sooners would be 3-1 by now. But no, bitches. A thumping of Notre Dame has the crimson colored glasses in full effect. At the quarter pole, the Sooners find themselves in contention. Better still, they're already playing the nobody believed in us card, a key emotional intangible for long-term success.

OFFENSE

I officially have a Bellboner for the Belldozer. He's a gamer. My favorite thing about what he brings to the offense is that he has more than two brain cells. It appears that the days of looking to the sideline for the pre-snap read are over. Some semblance of a hurry up is back in play. He's making good reads and of course he can run if plays break down. I'm fired up for the Blake Bell era. Related Note: The looking to the sideline routine of yesteryear lends credence to my pet theory that Landry Jones is not smart.

It didn't hurt either that the line was awesome last week. Bell could have had a pack of Pall Mall's rolled up in his jersey sleeve because he had time to smoke in the pocket on some of his passes.

Today, let's shoot for "more of same". The TCU defense is dinged up. Their best player is out. I'd like to see some better effort in play calling on 3rd down and in the red zone. Other than that let's keep on trucking.

I suppose I'll go with Sterling Sheperd here. He's starting to stick out as guy who's ready to make the leap.

DEFENSE

By all accounts, the TCU offense is pretty pathetic. A 30 point outburst against SMU isn't particularly scary. The Sooner D is much improved and actually pretty hard at this point. The big plays they gave up against Notre Dame were embarrassing at first glance but Notre Dame executed really well. The D more than made up for it with big plays of their own so their confidence is justifiably sky high.

The Linebackers in particular have shown up. I'm assuming they are more effective because the D-Line is getting some good push. I don't care what the reason is, it's awesome.

For my DPOG I'm going Julian Wilson. No gut feelings or anything here I just like his game. He's got a nose for the ball as they say and seems to be heavily involved when good things happen.

SCORE

Well, believe it or not I like our chances here and I don't think a letdown is in play. The Sooners have plenty still to work on and need this week to button these weaknesses up before another emotional game next week. Mentally, I think this team is stronger than year's past. There's an edge to them that is oh so nice to see again.

I like the Sooners here 31 - 7. Boomer to the motherfuckin Sooner.

The God-Fearing Christians of Texas

The Sooners snap chin-strap to helmet once again this week but I fear they stand little chance. You see, these boys are good Christians that wear the black and purple. They grew up in homes where daddy and mama saw to it they were buttoned down in their Sunday best every week, shoulder to shoulder in the first pew. Hymns erupting forth from their throats, tears flowing etc. This devout unwavering faith carried over to the sports field in the form of dedicated head bowing before the game, crosses drawn on wrist tape with markers, and even circles formed with opposing foes after the dust settled. Yes these boys hold themselves to a standard most can only pray hard upon, yet never reach. You see that's faith and fellowship taken to the point of choosing a higher education, from a higher power if you will. They've taken their first steps out of the home into the wide, open-armed welcoming and unabashed acceptance of all races, credos, and beliefs that can only be found in a good Christian university. We're simply football players, they're soldiers of little baby Jesus hisself. We will be better served relenting and repenting tomorrow. The game is a formality, the real quest is a place in heaven. Amen.

Offense

This tilt against the horned frogs has all of the classic makings of a letdown game. Our huge road win last week has our boys riding mighty high (yet not "on high"). Hopefully the 'Dozer set down the Mountain Dew's last evening and went for some water so we can get four quarters out of him. I don't know a ton (read: anything) about TCU, but typically they play solid defense. The ground game has been strong for us this year and I think tomorrow is more of the same. I like Damien Williams as a change up of sorts this week. I think he's the bell cow with 100+ and a touch. 

Defense

It's been a surprisingly enjoyably year to watch our D. We've played well at all 3 levels. I've particularly enjoyed the play of our LB's. That said I'm going secondary this week. I'm really liking Aaron Motherfuckin Colvin today. He is, after all, the Motherfucker on this team. He's been quiet as he's been avoided, but I think he makes some noise today.

Score

It should be a good game. I'm nervous as I think we may be overlooking them. It's a classic sandwich game with UT next weekend. However, I think we're talented enough to win one ugly and I think that's what it will take. Sooners grind this one out under the lights, 24-17. 

Boomer to the Motherfuckin Sooner

Notre Dame

OK big game today. It's pretend vs. real Saturday. No pressure or anything but today could make or break the season. If we lose, we are who we thought we were. If we win... Can this team make a run at losing on the national stage at season's end?

A month ago Sooner Nation keyed on this game  and we hoped to have a pretty decent idea of what this team is made of. We still have no idea. We think we have a world class run game. We think we've found a quarterback. We think the D is improved.

But we find out today. Everyone is healthy. It's all hands on deck. Even the coaches are breaking rank and saying this game means more than others. This is a big damn deal.

Can the Sooners overcome this Notre Dame mystique? How are the Sooners 1-9 all time against ND?

OFFENSE

I don't know if Blake Bell will be even close to what he was last week. Notre Dame's D is a damn sight better than Tulsa. You can tell the Belldozer has a few brain cells to rub together. He doesn't seem to rattle or wilt like Lonnie. I've got a feeling we have a gamer in this guy. This all bodes well. The QB situation, for better or worse, seems solved.

Can we run the football? We can only hope Josher doesn't get locked in Chuck Long style into his game plan. In other words, let's hit them inside, let's hit them outside, let's run around them, let's run through them. Let's throw the kitchen sink at them. We have the personnel to adapt. Let's adapt.

Can the O-Line deal with a mean Notre Dame D Line. You know the boys up front want some revenge after getting man-handled last year. It's cliche but this is the whole deal. Can Blake have time to survey the field or will he have to win this game on his feet? Can we establish a run game and carry for 100 yards?

Not to be a front runner here but I'm going with the Belldozer. He's the key. If he can make good reads, manage the game, run as needed and not crap his pants we've got a real shot here. I like him.

DEFENSE

Unbelievable to think the return of Gabe Lynn will help this team. Also, the return of Aaron Motherfuckin Colvin will be huge. In other words, the Sooners finally have all hands on deck.

Our D has gotten a bit lucky. There have been a handful of long gains and/or touchdowns missed due to a case of the dropsies. Then there's occasional lapse in the run game. It all needs to come together today.

OU's defense is improved but how much? We've not seen Cortez Johnson and Colvin on the field at the same time. The D has to put their best foot forward today and, on paper, we'll have our best guys out there.

I can't believe I'm doing it but I'm going with Gabe Lynn today. I think he plays a nice center field and he comes away with a pick. The guy is actually a bit of a ball hawk.

THE SCORE

I've got some real anxiety about this game. All I can think of is being at the game in 1999 and watching that second half meltdown. Then I remember getting worked last year. History has not been kind to the Sooners in this series. How in the world are the Oklahoma Sooners 1-9 against anyone?

In recent years the Sooners have gotten up for about 3 games a year. Today is one of those games. This team is different. They have an edge and an urgency to them and I think they have the personnel to bring back some swagger. The return to the top can start today.

OU 27 Notre Dame 21

Boomer to the motherfuckin Sooner.

Notre Dame

Today the Sooners walk into, arguably the most hallowed ground in college football, to battle against the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. The program is as storied as the come, and with the hiring of Brian Kelly, has made a full return to national relevance culminating with a trip to (and subsequent ass-beat in) the National Championship game last season. The list of traditions is long and oft discussed. Touchdown Jesus, slapping the Play Like a Champion sign (which might be one of the greatest heist jobs in history as it's a blatant rip-off from OU, I digress), painting the helmets for every game with paint allegedly containing real gold...and the list goes on. However, what many of the main stream media and general population don't know is that there are a few traditions that are just as vital to the aura and mystique of Notre Dame football that continually fly under the radar. Let's end the suspense:

The North Bend
While South Bend, IN is the home to Notre Dame, the North Bend is long-held, pre-game tradition that no player puts on his cup until he has throbbing erection. This, along with painting the helmets, the pre-game handy is a perk of being the Football Pep Club. Multiple, conflicting theories exist as the origin and significance of this tradition.

Lou Holtz Pregame Speeches

No, the legendary Lou doesn't come to each game and fire up the Notre Dame troops. Upon hiring each new ND coach, one of the first orders of business is to have an ill-fitting retainer made. Before each game, the coach pounds two Jaeger bombs, puts in the retainer and delivers a garbled, saliva-blasting speech to inspire his team.

Shower Rides
While it's true that no player has been carried off of the field since Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger famously was, it's said a new tradition was born the following season. The star player of the game rides the player of his choice in a soaped-up shower celebration, while the rest of the team chants his name as a cap-tip to Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!

The Dusting of the Pubes
The famous gold in the freshly painted helmets is widely discussed. However, few know that the priests at Notre Dame shave the first pubes of the altar boys until the age of 16 in order to "keep them young and pure." These pubes are sprinkled all over the field and is said to provide the team with fresh legs throughout the game.

That is but four of the "secret" Notre Dame traditions that make the school the greatest gift to college football that has ever existed. Let's hope the Sooners don't crumble and wilt in the face of such glory.

Offense

Sooner Nation is still basking the glow of Blake Bell's dominant performance two weeks ago. The 'Dozer made everyone in Norman hit the streets to find the "heady nugs" that Stoops Heupel et al must have been smoking when Trevor Adophilous Knight was named the starter in his stead. While his passes were on time and accurate, sadly the barometer that is the Tulsa defense isn't the most telling. I, for one, am excited/anxious/nervous to see what he looks like against a very solid Irish D. Their front seven is pretty hard at every position, and their D-line in particular will provide a very tough challenge for our running game as well as pass protection. However, their secondary is rumored to be the bacon-caramel-brownie to their Kirstie Alley (read: weak point). With that in mind, I'm going with a receiver today. I think Jalen Saunders gets back on track after not being a focal point in the passing game last week. I think he gets in the end zone at least once today and makes some big catches for us.

Defense

This will be a big test for our boys on what has been a surprisingly solid defense thus far. Supposedly OU will be mixing in some of their 4-3 that was the mainstay of the Stoops brother's defenses until being supplanted for a 3-3-5 that was installed this past off-season. I've loved the play of our linebackers this year; Frank Shannon has been awesome. Jordan Phillips and Charles "Ass" Tapper have been very tough on the line as well. Today I'm going with Corey Nelson on defense. Long on potential and short on production in years past, he's finally (and almost quietly) playing like the star he was rumored to be for the last few seasons. I like him to be "flying to the football" today and making a bunch of big tackles.

Score

This is a huge test for our boys today. The Sooners have a longstanding tradition of their own, shitting the bed against the Notre Dame. While the Irish and their faithful will undoubtedly adhere to their traditions today and always, the Sooners will fly in the face of history with a win in South Bend. It will certainly be tough, but revenge is on our minds after last season. The defense plays well, and the 'Dozer does enough to win. The Sooners leave the scoreboard at 21-17.


Boomer to the Motherfuckin' Sooner